Boston, MA - (satireworld.com)

Recent government sponsored research has shown at least one-fifth of the regressive Neanderthal genome may lurk within modern humans, influencing the skin, hair, political leanings, and mental diseases some people have today, researchers say.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and autocratic billionaire Donald Trump announced anyone who wanted to attend his rallies would need to take an oath of loyalty to him, and either show guards what he called a "Trump Obedience Tattoo" or be willing to get such a tattoo on the spot. Trump explained the new policies were the result of protesters ruining the atmosphere at numerous rallies, and asserted he was "hugely proud" of the obedience tattoo design with its two lightning bolts.

Video discovered on an ISIS-run website purported to be pornography consists of little more than members of the jihadist organization decapitating and mutilating people, its viewers say.

Innocent grizzly bears throughout Alaska and the American Northwest have once again been beset by devastating salmon assaults, prompting conservation officials to take urgent action.

Hollyweird, CA – (satireworld.com)

Adding a new definition to the meaning of ‘pussy whipped,’ actor-leftist activist Sean Penn announced today that he’ll be melting his entire gun collection into a molten blob to appease girlfriend actress Charlize Theron after consulting with buddy El Chapo during a secret interview for Rolling Stone magazine.

Kidding, it’s probably this one.

Electronics giant Samsung has sought to get ahead in a crowded high-end technology market by unveiling its new creation, the first in a new generation of 'smartarse TVs'. The new device has 4096GB of memory, most of which is taken up with trivia and resolutely-held opinions which the television can dispense liberally whenever it senses a human in the vicinity.

Customer reaction to the super smart, 407 inch, OLED-backlit web-enabled cylindrical-screened Hawking3000 has been mixed. Steve Minsky of Colchester explained: 'It's great at first; you actually sit inside the screen, I was hospitalis

by Roger Freed.The New White House (A serial book excerpt) Previous installments: After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.

Someone picked all numbers.

Denver, CO – Gerald Buckhalter’s family did not expect to be planning his funeral today.  The 32 year old park ranger swallowed three cyanide pills this morning and took his own life.  The only evidence left behind is a voicemail that Gerald left for his friend at 8:43am.  It was quickly released by police so further such incidents could be avoided.

Baltimore, MD – (satireworld.com)

Faced with another violent night of mob rule in Maryland’s largest city, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake (D-MD) has officially asked North Korean leader Kim Jong Un to send a full division of crack PRNK troops to restore order in several cities. Cited as a cheaper way to advance the rule of law, outsourcing of troops is a controversial action that has many Baltimore residents worried.

OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Governor of Oklahoma Mary Fallin declared the staggering increase in the frequency and strength of earthquakes in Oklahoma was not caused by hydraulic fracturing conducted by the oil and gas industry, but by an insidious gopher infestation. Fallin pledged to eradicate the earthquake-causing gophers, but warned citizens their state had likely been irreversibly damaged by the furry tunnelers and may permanently unseat California as the most earthquake-prone state in the Lower 48.

Washington, DC – (satireworld.com)

In scathing report issued by the Justice Department, partly in lieu of recent racial charges over police mistreatment of black suspects, the attorney general has proposed sweeping changes on America’s 7,500 police chiefs and their agencies.

Poll results are in!

With only 1% power left, we are all just grateful this important message got through.

34 year-old Colin Parker was surprised to discover that his wife, Lucy Parker, could condemn her parents with impunity, but that he should restrain from making any derogatory remark. Following a 13-minute rant in which Lucy berated her Mum’s nagging about future grandchildren and her Dad’s problem with whiskey, his insightful comments to support those complaints were regarded as sheer wanton abuse.

by P. Beckert.Call ISIS decision-makers ‘weak’ and ‘pussies’ A group of suicide bombers have made it known that they are not the least bit happy about a decision made by ISIS leaders [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.

Hollywood, CA – (satireworld.com)

Wheel of Fortune letter turner Vanna White, who has been playing “Hangman” with America for thirty years, admitted that she is functionally illiterate and cannot read any of the puzzles. White claims that “I just touch the squares that they light up, but I wouldn’t know a C from a V from a Z if they paid me (and they do pay me pretty good!).”

Cognitive distortions are prominent on both sides of today’s political aisles, but one side is accelerating in this area like a tachyon particle in a meth lab. This is today’s scheissgiest, as I like to call it. From a psychiatric standpoint, Republicans represent the full diagnostic spectrum. I’d suggest they drop their elephant symbol for the rainbow were…

The story was quite hard to concentrate on, although it possibly featured a number of less photogenic subjects such as oppressed Palestinians and starving Africans, but ooh, look, there she is again from that rom-com 'He's Just Not That Into You,' the one where she goes skinny-dipping.