New York City, NY – (satireworld.com)
NBC News (sic) announced that Chelsea Clinton, the only acknowledged child of former President Bill Clinton, and ex-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, had been hired as a special correspondent for the network.
According to a spokesperson for the network, Chelsea’s first assignment will be to create a documentary cartoon reprising Alvin and the Chipmunks, tentatively entitled “Yes we have no nuts today but there’s plenty of Arugula!” a spoof on Christmas in the Obama White House.

This is the first non-fiction headline to appear on The Discord. It’s not ours. Discord News Alert: we can not compete with this. It’s important to understand one’s limitations as this is simply beyond our current comedic abilities. To add insult to spoofery, on the same day our lead anchor, Matt Mathewson, informed me of a second headline: Red Power Ranger…

The Foreign Office is said to be in disarray at the prospect of around five million people arriving back in the UK within the next twelve months, as a result of new UN regulations. Offshore millionaires and home-grown welfare migrants alike are set to flood our shores; with their inability to order anything off a menu unless 'it starts with a number'.

Excess lead could also be used in bullets for local police handling Flint water riots FLINT, MI — After recent controversy regarding toxic levels of lead in the water supply, local legislators are finding ways to turn the crisis into opportunity.

Washington, DC – (satireworld.com)

A spokesman for the US Secret Service unveiled a plot, supposedly by Tea Party activists, to kidnap President Barack Obama by using a trap-like device hidden at the White House. According to the spokesman, the Tea Party was going to keep the president hidden away until after the 2016 elections. The agent refused to release additional information, or his name, citing ‘need to know’ security. Since the service is ‘secret’ no other question could be answered for the press unless they guessed the right word.

Eastern Shore MD – (satireworld.com)
A federal judge has ruled for the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) in a lawsuit brought against the agency, regarding laws aimed to improve water conditions in the Chesapeake Bay. Marylander's want their bay waters cleaned up, but not by federal encroachment of Washington DC bureaucrats.

AMES, Iowa — Sarah Palin, the former Alaska governor who became a Tea Party sensation and a favorite of grass-roots conservatives, has spoken out for the first time on the 2016 U.S. presidential elections and asked voters the question, "Are you ready to dump Trump?" "Are you ready for the leader to make America great…

NYC,NY - (satireworld.com)

Ex-MSNBC TV host and actor Alec Baldwin was honored with a doctorate degree from George Washington University for his work as a liberal humanitarian and celebrated actor. Baldwin, age 55, said it was the best thing he’s ever received in in his life.
But then again, it was three years ago that Baldwin said his divorce from Kim Bassinger was the best thing in his life, and about six years ago where he claimed being an actor on TV was the best thing in his life, and only several weeks when Baldwin said being an ex- MSNBC TV host was the best thing in his life!

Blaming a clerical error for the initial oversight, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has amended this year’s list of nominees for Best Actor, adding Craig Robinson for his performance in “Hot Tub Time Machine 2.”

FLINT, MICHIGAN (The Nil Admirari) - Michigan Governor Rick Snyder's new bottled water company, Flint River Water, has the slogan "Good Enough for Flint, Good Enough for America." Snyder boasts the quality chloride-fortified bottled water is a testament to him running government like a business and cutting costs at the expense of public health and safety.

A Baton Rouge law firm with a logo featuring the initials “MLF” has contracted with a prominent MILF adult film actress as its spokeswoman.

Physicians tending to Cortana Mall have indicated the ailing retail center’s condition has become terminal and that any further attempts to improve its health would ultimately prove fruitless.

In a scandal that could derail his presidential ambitions just days before primaries begin, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) stands accused of using campaign funds to purchase socks he discovered in an Alabama department store bargain bin.

“I’m going to send Cruz’s head to the Prime Minister of Canada, and I’m drop-kicking Rubio’s toward Cuba.” —Donald Trump

The debate on whether Donald Trump should be banned from entering the UK has ended with MPs casting a spell which will see the property tycoon roam the earth among the festering ranks of the undead until Judgement Day.

'We knew that ultimately we couldn't vote to ban Trump from the UK, which made the debate feel a bit pointless' said Labour MP Jack Dromey.

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for.

DUBLIN, Ireland (The Adobo Chronicles) - Conservative commentator Bill O'Reilly promised that if Democratic Bernie Sanders is elected president of the United States, he will move to Ireland.  O'Reilly traces his roots to Ireland. Upon learning of O'Reilly's plan, the president of Ireland, Michael. D. Higgins, said that the American pundit is not welcome in Ireland.…

Brighton, MA – (satireworld.com)

‘Happy’ Ed Gleeson (aka The World’s Happiest Man) wasted no time in telling friends and family about his new-found riches after befriending Abul Gzentabula, a Nigerian banker who contacted Happy Ed by chance through his personal email last week.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Democratic presidential campaign of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton followed up last night's debate by asserting its candidate would make sure Americans continued to be unable to "have nice things." Secretary Clinton addressed the press this morning and explained her wealthy donors would never allow her to give all Americans healthcare as a human right, effectively regulate the financial sector, solve mass incarceration causes like for-profit prisons and mandatory minimum sentences for drug offenses, and a whole host of other things...

Shocking new statistics discovered by this newspaper show that 9 out of 10 people consider walking out of screenings of The Revenant simply to warm up, it has been claimed.