Check Please!
Tony said, 'I tried my hand at stand-up comedy once, but it was quite hard writing actual jokes and stuff, and anyway I’m pretty sure people prefer my slapstick stuff and general goofing around. They can't get enough me, the office would be pretty dull if I were to leave.'
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump is blaming his military Generals, not his related tweets, on the latest confusion that resulted in tons of hurricane relief supplies arriving in N. Korea and an armada of U.S. Navy warships being dispatched to Puerto Rico. Kim Jong Un was reportedly “as surprised as anyone” that four supply freighters filled with food, water…
A lot of countries have problems. The main one is, they’re not utopias. It’s surprising that there aren’t more perfect places in the world.
Amid concerns for their safety, and fearing that their second amendment rights may be under attack, animals have been purchasing guns in large numbers.
My girlfriend Mary Lou always told me to stop twirling my mustache and tying her to train tracks, but I never really took it seriously, you know?
'Just found out that it was an American that killed more of our citizens in Las Vegas in one night than ISIS, North Korea and the NFL COMBINED have managed all year. Ban all Americans now. ONLY SOLUTION!!!!!' said the President, in his now-traditional Monday 3:00a.m. Twitter rant to the nation.
Despite the ongoing collapse of conservative ‘thought’, each news cycle still brings a barrage of new and intriguing rightwing dimsights. At least Puerto Rico has a storm to blame for knocking it back 30 years, what’s the republican party’s excuse? Today, as the Antarctic Pine Glacier retreats another 100 miles, the GOP’s brain capacity retreats another 100K neurons. Meanwhile, our…
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for.
Saddened by the loss of a great American, President Trump demands Congress consider a national memorial to the fallen nudie picture pioneer.
London UK:
“Civil Rights” passed away during a National Football League (NFL) sponsored American football game staged in this city between the Baltimore Ravens and the Jacksonville Jaguars. The cause of death, according to the London Coroners Office, was a massive heart attack over lack of respect when both teams took a knee during the playing of the USA National Anthem (The Star-Spangled Banner). The players were supposedly protesting White Racism/White Privilege in the USA!
Космодром Байконур – (

Investigators have learned that Yuri Gagarin, the Russian Cosmonaut who was the first man to go into outer space and the first man to orbit the earth, was not alone on his historic flight. In fact, in their cockpit positioning, the other person would have been ahead of Gagarin into space by about 3 centimeters.
Authorities have released the name of a fugitive responsible for a 7-state crime spree this morning, and it's your daughter.
Fresno County, CA – (
A suspected burglar who became stuck in the chimney of a Central California home died of burns and smoke inhalation after the home’s elderly owner lit a fire in the fireplace, fire officials said Sunday.

Pyongyang, North Korea – (

Kim Jong Un, current dictator of North Korea, has invited “Hanoi” Jane Fonda to visit his country. The actress, exercise video star, and political activist is most famous for her stance on the Vietnam War and her treasonous acts towards the United States Government and individual American soldiers during that conflict.
A new restaurant owned by a local family opened this week to great fanfare in downtown Killapsee before promptly shutting down for good 8 hours later.
What the is wrong with people? Are they completely stupid? You’d think that, with Nazis on the rise again, emboldened by the election of crypto-fascists like Trump, any sane person would be behind anyone opposing fascists. But no, we're now being told that it is the anti-fascists who are somehow the bad guys!
Are tourists turning terrorist? Incredible claims that disgruntled foreign visitors hitting back at cities calling for curbs on tourism with suicide bombings. Secret terror travel agencies offering 'all inclusive' terror breaks.
'I let my house to a serial killer!' complains Airbnb customer. Users of Airbnb and similar services share tales of how their properties were used as porn movie sets and temporary brothels!
Former Royal medium reveals Princess Diana's sensational post-mortem affairs. TV station condemned for airing recordings of seances in which Lady Di chronicles afterlife assignations with Errol Flynn and John Lennon.

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