Perishing pensioners the length and breadth of Britain have been warmed this morning by news that British Gas has seen its profits rise by 31%. One consumer said: ‘I’ve been rubbing my hands together. Partly with glee, and party because I can’t afford to put the fire on and I’d like to get some feeling...

In related news, the promo for Sharknado 3 depicts a shark in space with the caption: “Oh hell NO!”

There’s a lot of confusion surrounding the Supreme Court with the death of Justice Antonin Scalia. Will Durst is here to help. Q. Has the issue of Justice Antonin Scalia’s replacement on the Supreme Court turned a mite political? A. You could say that. You could also say that flight simulation wind-tunnels are tough on comb-overs.

Tuscany, Italy – (satireworld.com)
The Italian government was dumbfounded after hearing reports that the famous Tower of Pisa fell. Long touted as an impossible building that had an accurate description attached to its name, the 183 foot tower fell with a loud crack and thud as crowds of sweaty tourists from Russia swelled around its base.

"There seems to be no limit to these corrupting sartorial nightmares," sources say.

Strawberry jam, Britonses favourite jam, will no longer taste like it does today, but much better when we leave Europe, whispered an increasingly wild eyed Iain Duncan Smith today.

EARTH — World War III has broken out after a party cruise hosted by New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski sailed…

"I would have been happy with a woof rather than a yap." Jessie Krufts, Pancake Flipper

CEBU CITY, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles, Manila Bureau) - In the Philippines, you are either pro-Manny Pacquiao or anti-Manny Pacquiao, and the conflict has turned to shoes. Since Nike announced that it was severing its ties with the Filipino champion boxer after his disparaging comments comparing gay men and women to (worse than) animals, Pacquiao…

With all the predictive powers of a magic eight-ball, the Secretary of State for Justice has given his full support and success-rate behind a Brexit. Having previously solved all problems that exist in schools and prisons, campaigners for an EU-exit are confident that the Gove-factor can deliver the same genius that made hydrogen airships today's 'vehicle of choice'.

Washington—In the wake of the suspicious death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, President Obama is implementing Operation: Pillow Fight. The President’s plan is to order three more pillows to remove the last three conservative justices from the bench, with prejudice. President Obama said, “There is only three people standing in the way of a liberal legislative nirvana and…

=(A serial book excerpt) Previous installments: After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country. He begins immediately to make changes.

Washington, DC – (satireworld.com)
Among the Republican presidential candidates are a billionaire businessman, neurosurgeon, and a constitutional lawyer. When has the Democrat opposition had anything even remotely close?
This election cycle the Democrats feature a woman with more scandals than achievements, and a man who thinks spending tens of trillions of dollars makes things “free.”

Captioning a photo of three fish tacos, Sloan, who recently purchased several firearms, including an AR-15 assault rifle and several hundred rounds of ammunition at a gun show, wrote: "Fish tacos from Mariscos Mi Gusto. Yum."

"Small government and tax cuts + a sh*t infrastructure = better infrastructure," stated Mr. Basil, who drew out his plan to repair America's decaying infrastructure.

Washington DC – (satireworld.com)
President Barack Obama met in the Oval Office with a representative from the Office of Personnel Management (OPM), a Mr. A Hamilton. The OPM representative introduced himself as the Attitude Adjustment Advisor (AAA) for the US government. When a federal employee leaves his current duty station a set of mandated AAA procedures must be followed prior to termination of employment. In your case Mr. President January 20, 2017 at 12:00 PM is your last day on the job.

RANCHO MIRAGE, California (The Adobo Chronicles, San Francisco Bureau) - The  decades-old political rivalry between the Aquinos and the Marcoses has turned personal. And hairy. In a recent media interview while attending the ASEAN (Association of Southeast Asian Nations) summit hosted by President Barack Obama at Sunnyland in Rancho Mirage, Philippine President NoyNoy Aquino took a…

“It’s some kind of amalgam of Latin, Sanskrit, and eighteenth-century Turkish thieves’ cant,” said a frustrated attorney at the firm handling Eco’s estate.

Sighs of relief today in Western Australia as the source of the 'hairy panic' swamping a town was identified as a molting Boris Johnson who has holidaying near the most affected area of Wangaratta.

The Vatican—The Pope is firing back at Donald Trump today. After his last attack on The Donald, the Pope’s global approval rating dropped 15 points, but he remains very critical of some of the current republican frontrunner’s policies. The Vatican encouraged His Holiness to come out swinging in the face of this controversy. Mr. Trump responded to the…