Detectives discovered yet another victim in a string of unsolved murders committed by the infamous 1980s trivia fan, the "Legwarmer Murderer".

Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau has announced an ambitious plan to provide refuge to U.S. citizens who feel “morally or emotionally” endangered by a looming Donald Trump presidency.

DALLAS (The Barbed Wire) - The first step toward recovery, no matter what the addiction, is admitting you have a problem. Glenn Beck has finally reached rock bottom and agreed to seek professional help for his out-of-control Cheetos habit. Beck's admission came just after releasing a video of himself diving face first into a big bowl of crushed Cheetos.

"You really have to sort of stockpile decent material ahead of time. If I find some kid baking cookies for the orphanage in October, I'll slap a Santa hat on him and save the footage for December. It's not exactly news, but hey - I've got a quota to fill."

In the rush to quickly fill federal district court appointments, critics wonder if nominees are being properly vetted, as Eric Cartman comes up for a vote.

County Courthouse – (SatireWorld.com)
Most people hate receiving a jury summons. This civic duty generally requires at least one day off work , downtown traffic and parking, long lines, hurry up and wait, inadequate bathroom facilities, no convenient lunch, losing coins in vending machines, rude and/or overworked employees (city, county, state, or Federal), sitting on un-padded seats in stuffy rooms, and watching/hearing self-important attorneys and judges.

‘We spoke long and hard about what we needed to do,’ said Tom Watson, ‘and this was our final solution. We’re very confident that any mistrust will be exterminated.’

In a press conference earlier today, Robert Mueller released the most damning evidence of Russian interference in our elections.

Trump, Farage and Bieber make for three of the least popular people in the world, which is exactly why they might be able to work so well together.

What has befuddled me from the start over this whole groping apocalypse is the way in which much of the media professes mystification as to what fuels such attitudes to women. Really? Have you seen your own content of late?

The pit was dug so that Conservative Party members could legally dispose of any of their filth which now falls under the expanded ‘extreme porn’ law.

MONTPELIER, Vermont (The Adobo Chronicles, Washington Bureau) - With a clenched fist symbolic of the campaign of Philippine presidential candidate Rodrigo Duterte, Democratic presidential aspirant Senator Bernie Sanders today endorsed the controversial mayor of Davao City. This is the first time in the history of the United States that a Philippine presidential candidate has received the…

Diverging somewhat from the non-partisian Congressional Budget Office's analysis of the bill, which projected it would balloon the nation's deficit by $1.4 trillion within the first 10 years of its implementation while having an unknown effect on job growth, the WHBO's assessment was considerably more favorable of the legislation.

Yesterday, the Prime Minister claimed she was spending a lot of time talking and listening to God, and that He would guide her through Brexit. Today God went on the record to categorically deny those claims.

Wall Street, NY - (satireworld.com)

The Hiroshima Charcoal Briquette Company of Davenport, IA filed Chapter 11 papers early today in order to seek protection from creditors. Analysts cited a massive failure of the company’s two year old advertising plan in which five million dollars were spent on branding and not a single bag of the charcoal briquettes were sold.

Jefferson, who has interest from all major Division 1 schools, was surprised by coach Pat Narduzzi who just showed up to his house uninvited.

‘We were all stood there waiting for it. Even the Chinese have grown used to it and were expecting it. But it never came. Prince Philip just stood there smiling and nodding,’ said one anonymous Royal aid.

Fairfax, VA – Unsubstantiated reports indicate that there has been more gun play than ever at local NRA gatherings.  Rumors have surfaced that members are bringing more and more of their guns to meetings.  There is believed to be some dissension amongst members that believe they are being infiltrated by ‘do-gooders’ and ‘hippie loving peace types.’  

The two sides will take the field and engage each other in a horrific scene of carnage to settle once and for all which of them is keeper of the ultimate truth.

TORONTO, Canada (The Adobo Chronicles, Toronto Bureau) - It's beginning to look at lot like Christmas, and the shopping for gifts and Christmas tree stockings are in full swing. Scented candles are among the more popular items during the holidays and two new products have been introduced to the market.  One bears the scent of Canadian Prime…