"Forty-three percent of American voters are very disturbed by Bernie Sanders, because they see his honesty and consistent record as something comparable to a dragon or a unicorn," explained Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider, who noted dragons and unicorns were viewed less favorably than Sanders and more favorably than Hillary Clinton.

This sudden influx of mediocre ‘objectionables’ or deficit of exceptional morons (depending on your perspective), leads to the questions - how do you vote for the lesser of all evils, if everyone has cloven hooves and pitchfolk?

“I shall call him #2.” —George W. Bush  

by Jim Hightower.An undemocratic, unelected “emergency manager” and the governor’s cost-cutting austerity mania doomed Flint residents. The mantra of every Koch-headed, right-wing politico is that government should be run like a business, always focused on cutting costs. Welcome to Flint, Michigan. This impoverished, mostly African-American city has indeed been run like a private corporation since Republican Gov. [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.

"I’ve got mad skills. I can jump and run and throw. I can also drink lots and lots of alcohol and still make a woman be quiet or put her in her place. References available upon request.”

CHICAGO — Chicago Bears head coach John Fox wept himself to sleep last night while browsing through Facebook and Instagr…

Pentagon – (satireworld.com)

On Thursday, Defense Ash Carter and Army Gen. Martin Dempsey, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, signed an order that officially rescinded the ban on women serving in combat. This was in part due to pressure from the White House which was eager to show that the President was upholding his Democratic vision of equal rights.

I just lost another Facebook friend.
(satireworld.com)
She started a diatribe defending Obama and saying how much he loved this country and how much he was doing for this country. She said that people who opposed him were just selfish and looking out for themselves (which is the definition of selfish, but I didn’t point out her being redundant). It is also the fault of Republicans that her mixed race son is unsafe and she worries that someone will kill him.

SAN FRANCISCO, California (The Adobo Chronicles) - Thousands of Giants fans are expected to descend upon Super Bowl City in San Francisco this Saturday to protest what they are calling a city-sponsored event that discriminates against baseball fans. Although Super Bowl 50 between the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers will actually be held at Levi's Stadium…

Dallas, TX – (satireworld.com)

With the ninth pick in the eight round of the NFL draft, the *Dallas Cowboys* selected Pippa Middleton. She was not chosen to be a tight end or a punter or a cornerback. In fact, she had not even played NCAA football or even opted in to the draft. The *Cowboys* chose Miss Middleton based on her “other talents” to be a member of their famous cheerleading squad.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reminded Americans the speaking fees and other forms of compensation she had received from Wall Street were completely legal. Secretary Clinton's public service announcement was her response to U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont accusing her of corruption and being a pawn of Wall Street, which he repeated during their debate last night.

PORTLAND, OR — "We had no idea the nasty stench that stuff was covering up."

‘It’s been so long since interest rates were increased that we’ve all forgotten how to do it’ said Carney. ‘There was a CD-ROM thingy that I was given on my first day that explained it all but I’ll buggered if I can find it.

You have nerve ridiculing the Republican primary process, Zano. You want to sound like you’re backing Bernie Sanders until he might actually win and then you start back peddling faster than Lance Armstrong in a sharknado. “But I danno if Sanders is electable in the general election.” Boo hoo. This is code for Closeted Hillary Supporter (CHS). Last year, I thought the…

In an unprecedented scandal that has the U.S. Census Bureau reeling, it has been revealed that New Hampshire is actually a small state of no particular significance.

ANN ARBOR, MICH. — Michigan Wolverines head coach Jim Harbaugh has announced that he will open his home as a foster pare…

Cologne, Germany (satireworld.com)

Oh, here we go! This shit is barely even worth refuting. Look, you may talk about ‘freedom of dancing, freedom of singing, freedom of whatever,’ but let me tell you something, you hateful bigot. Freedom of speech demands accountability; hate speech isn’t freedom of speech. By definition! So, by that very logic, freedom of gallivanting around also demands accountability.

David Cameron, still the prime minister, has sorted that Europe thing out he said he would, according to David Cameron today.

CONCORD, NH (The Barbed Wire) - Maggie Hassan, governor of New Hampshire, has issued a state of emergency for the entire state of New Hampshire. The governor said the state has become saturated with political ads, with reports of some needing to be rescued from said ads. 9-1-1 operators say calls are coming in from people screaming that they are drowning in political ads.

"The F-35 can be utilized about twelve times every year. In between these missions it will require weeks of maintenance to address the damage it sustained from being exposed to direct sunlight, rain, wind, and the Earth's atmosphere," explained Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter.