Check Please!
What has befuddled me from the start over this whole groping apocalypse is the way in which much of the media professes mystification as to what fuels such attitudes to women. Really? Have you seen your own content of late?
New London, Conn – (
State troopers from around the tri-state New England area vowed to never invite ex-Vice President Joe Biden to future Fraternal Order of Police conventions in fear of losing its core of rank and file membership over homosexual issues promoted by Biden in his hour-long speech to over 600 law enforcement attendees.
While Lavar Ball and President Trump square off in the media, one party is secretly hoping they finally get in trouble for being such a pain.
With the fourth Thursday of November upon us, millions of American households will sit down to observe their final Thanksgiving together this week.
Exhaustive research by the professionals at the Canard Press newsroom has come up with the following seven no-fail tips to help you get through the day.
Seattle,WA – (
The Seattle city government has frowned upon city employees using the words “brown bag” and “citizen.” Instead of “brown bag” lunch, sack lunch should be used and instead of “citizen,” resident should be used.
The White House – (
With 15% of the American people on food stamps and unemployment increasing as thousands of business lay off workers due to healthcare cost fears, President Obama took some time off from golf to pardon a turkey for Thanksgiving.
Dateline: ATLANTA—A new anchor at CNN, Guy Hoogetsit, has criticized his colleagues at the cable news station for failing to understand the point of Donald Trump’s election, and maintains that the only way for members of the corporate media to properly report on President Trump is to simultaneously hit themselves repeatedly in the face. Mr. […]
Before planning your trip to Africa, consider the advice of someone who has been there many times and is totally not making stuff up based on movies.
Much to the surprise of shoppers, the UK has reduced its worth by 70% – to the price of a discount Belgium or a top-end electric toothbrush. This Friday, trade deals will be available for a fraction of their original cost, with consumers expected to rush out to buy a 55-inch Smart TV or a...
Tweet Tower—Two turkeys, Ozzy & Harriet, are desperately awaiting word of the president’s overdue pardon. The National Pardoning Ceremony is a time honored tradition, but, thus far in his presidency, Donald Trump has ignored most customs and traditions. The turkeys are demanding the president keep his word and pardon the two before they become the guests of honor…
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for.
Satan claims that Manson sexually assaulted him as the two were posing for a selfie soon after Manson’s arrival. “That’s pretty brazen,” Satan remarked, “Even for Charlie. He and I go way back but, when I felt him squeeze my ass while we were trying to get the picture, I was like, dude, come on.”
People around the world joined the United States this week in celebrating the spirit of Thanksgiving, mainly because their countries aren't run by President Trump.
Capitol Hill – (
Flustered and grim, Representative Maxine Waters took time out from her Impeach Donald Trump hearing to make new sexual charges against almost 280 Republican House of Representatives members who she says asked her to put on a bikini in violation of House Rules governing sexual harassment.
Scientists have warned that our visual world will almost certainly revert to monochrome, or black-and-white, within the next five to ten years.
In a press conference earlier today, Robert Mueller released the most damning evidence of Russian interference in our elections.
Islamabad, Pakistan -(
Reality TV’s latest offering is sure to raise eyebrows and a few tempers as season one of The Real Housewives of Islamabad makes its way to the small screen. Shot on location in Pakistan’s capitol, Islamabad, the first of sixteen segments is set to begin final editing as soon as goat herding and shearing process’ finalize sometime after the winter birthing season for three of the woman who comprise the six main characters.
Paris, France-(
The Paris Hilton admitted today that it had royally screwed Senator Al Franken the last time the Minnesota Senator visited the French capitol.
The recent headlines embarrassed the senator after the hotel admitted it cheated him out of double-dipper frequent flyer miles by neglecting to properly process the bonus points to the Senator's credit card.
Beaver Falls, MT – (

Ward was glad to see the old gang again, but was really excited to see the Beaver too.
Due to the recent interest in the new movie “The Beaver,” Hollywood has decided to remake “Leave It To Beaver” as both a television series and as a motion picture. “The Beaver,” a film with Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster, has absolutely nothing to do with the television series and involves a man who can only speak through an animal puppet on his hand. When viewers heard of the movie, however, they thought that the famous 50’s Cleaver family was returning.

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