Growing turmoil within the GOP is fueling a split between crackpots within the party and its more traditional dumbass base, experts say.

The White House is set to be redeveloped into a multistory leisure/business complex if property developer Donald Trump becomes president, secret documents seen by this newspaper say.

McDonalds has announced the closure of all 46 million of its food-serving 'storefronts' to focus on offering 'degrading bathroom experience's instead. While the sales of ankle-burgers and Chicken-McWaste nuggets have seen a steady decline for the past 19 years, use of McDonald's toilets has been growing rapidly.

Chicago, Il—Last night republican presidential candidate Donald Trump canceled his Chicago rally due to safety concerns. Trump was not happy with the number of protestors in the audience. The Chicago Police Department insisted they had a sufficient ratio of batons to black skulls and encouraged Trump to proceed with the event and antagonize minorities as he saw…

OK, people, we need to discuss billboards. Yes, we really must. Billboards must be living creatures, for they appear to propagate, spreading everywhere, growing to enormous size, shouting corporate messages at us — and even watching and tracking us with their digital eyes. Now, though, rather than billboards becoming human, we humans are becoming billboards.

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia – (SatireWorld.com)

In a startling reversal of government policy the King of Saudi Arabia and the Kingdom’s Council of Ministers has legalized the driving of automobiles by women. Burkas are still required while driving. (Saudi Arabia was the only country in the world to still prohibit women divers.)

The Queen who, according to The Sun, backs the UK leaving the EU perhaps pushed her luck too far when arguing against the surprisingly pro-EU Jeremy Clarkson.

MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles, Manila Bureau) - Starting at 2 o'clock a.m. Sunday (Monday, Philippine time), Americans, except those in Arizona and Hawaii,  will set their clocks forward by one hour as part of Daylight Saving Time (DST).  In the Philippines, Filipinos will advance their clocks by two hours. For the first time in the history…

The government has announced new measures to help dementia sufferers that it 'intended to introduce this last year, sorry it slipped our minds'. The new measures aim at testing for mental deterioration at age 40 instead of waiting until the Chancellor is voted out of his constituency.

Glenn Beck Headquarters—Deep in the heart of an undisclosed Denny’s, Glenn Beck and the rest of the League of Extra Ordinary Gentlemen assembled in a last ditch effort to save the republican party. The Discord’s own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, was able to gain entrance to this clandestine group, before the breakfast specials ended. Glenn Beck…

Reading magazines this week, I learned that: Elton John doesn’t get along with his mother, so she spent her 90th birthday with an Elton John impersonator. (Rolling Stone, 2/25/16) Eighty-five percent of kids say they have fun with their parents. (Time, 3/14/16)

"I was at the White House that day. I was there for tea with Nancy, and a free session with her psychic in the Roosevelt Room," explained Clinton, who asserted she could hear the battle during her psychic reading.

FLORIDA (The Barbed Wire) - On a campaign swing through the Sunshine State, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz announced the ace up his sleeve that he believes will help him overtake Donald Trump for the nomination - he's a rocker. Cruz unveiled a poster of his latest project, his very own rock band, Ted Zeppelin.

VIERA, FLA. — Washington Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper created a huge controversy yesterday by stating in an intervi…

While many are calling the findings into question, The Sun says they are willing to stake their reputation on it.

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The formerly German head of the UK's monarchy and her Greek husband have apparently strongly come out on favour of leaving the EU. It is thought that the Queen's and her consort's heritage constantly comes up for scrutiny so she would like to put 'all that unpleasant European business' behind her.

       

What’s so “super” about Super Tuesday? It’s become painfully obvious that the term “Super Tuesday” was coined for the quantity of elections contested, not the quality of participants involved. Otherwise, we’d be forced to change the name to Kind of Okay Tuesday. Or Is It Really Necessary to be This Loud Tuesday.

HOUSTON — Houston Texans general manager Rick Smith stated today that new quarterback Brock Osweiler has the potential t…