Check Please!
Today, the largest corporate media outlets in the United States confessed they were purposely ignoring U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders until he 'toned down' his realism.
Bwanna, Kenya – (

Game preserve officers tracked down and killed a 45 foot long crocodile today after it was seen leaving a village shortly after it decimated the inhabitants during an evening celebration. The reptile is being reported as the ‘world’s largest crocodile.’ First reports claimed upwards of 50 native villagers were eaten, but game warden Benji Wonamoto said the final body count was 75 and maybe more.
Major Tim Peake entered the Space Station with thumbs skywards even though up there skywards was downwards. But in spite of the sky confusion all went well and endless messages from the Space Station are expected in the coming six months.
Ever since the war to take down the Galactic Empire ended, Han Solo and his trusty co-pilot Chewbacca have been scrounging around for work.  Although there is finally a new Star Wars movie coming out, the Canadian military commissioned the two well respected pilots to test some planes similar to TIE fighters that were popular during that era.  
ANKARA, TURKEY (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, an anonymous high-ranking source inside the Turkish government informed TNA that Turkey was illegally purchasing oil from small businessmen wearing all-black clothing. The source asserted many of the small businessmen were very likely active members of the Islamic State (ISIS), a charge Turkey quickly denied.
Boston, MA – (
Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Medical School published a jaw-dropping study showing proof-positive results on what makes a person’s mind think in liberal political terms. After an exhausting 10 year study, over 5,000 local Boston residents and university students were given tests and DNA samples were taken in an effort to disprove several current theories. The opposite results startled researchers including Dr. Adam Feidler who wrote a 4,500 page peer reviewed paper on liberal thought patterns and its effect on the brain.
Early in the 21st century, Republicans decided to untether themselves from reality, or more accurately, have someone decide for them. Fox = news and morality = pews so no critical thinking necessary. How do they continue to gain seats with this record? Amidst the Age of Information, how have they dragged such a large faction of our country…
‘We fully support all nation’s right to self-determination and identity but also reserve to the right to act like a petulant teenager, who has just been dumped. We’re going to get emotional closure on this. Need I remind you that the US has been obscured from view by a collection of fuzzy-felt stickers since 1776’?
Vatican City, Rome – (

Unchanged since the 1500’s, it’s rare to see a melding together of tradition and modernity as it is realized in the Papal Swiss Guards. The core mission is traditional: since 1506 they have protected the Pope and his residence in the Holy City. Unfortunately, the Swiss Guard’s weapons have not changed in over 500 years.
Along with 50 other lucky people, I was chosen by some hackers to watch a pirated version of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” in a Detroit squat. Yes, the movie is totally cool, and yes, I started sobbing three seconds into the opening sequence.
The Rubio and Cruz campaigns announced this morning that, finally, after months of speculation, that the two candidates with hold a no-holds barred death match.
Almost too much fun and excitement under one festive roof, everyone!
BETHESDA, Maryland (The Adobo Chronicles) - In his first major health warning since assuming the post of U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy has confirmed that texting is detrimental to the health of Americans. "The repetitive movement of the thumbs while texting causes nerve damage similar to that of carpal tunnel," Murthy said. "It is…
Little Rock, AR – (

Their 12-year affair made Gennifer Flowers one of the most high profile mistresses in America. Now, two decades after they split amid scandal, the former news reporter from Little Rock, Arkansas wants to ‘sit down and talk’ with Bill Clinton.
WASHINGTON (The Barbed Wire) - In a press conference today, President Obama laid out his latest vision for defeating terror in the Middle East and restoring a feeling of safety among Americans here at home. The president seemed more serious in his remarks today, and his rhetoric was the harshest he's used on the subject to date.
Decades before Barbie led generations of young girls to believe that beautiful women had fixed elbows and breasts with no nipples, a simple rag doll was already promoting unrealistic standards of beauty.
A rejuvenated Barack Obama jumped out on stage like a young James Brown in front of a mostly live audience in DC today to announce that ....“Thanks to ME, the economy is back, the world is Tranquil, the RESET worked, and John Kerry should win the Nobel Prize!”

Shouts of ‘you lie’ and ‘BULL SHIT” were drowned out by paid political supporters bused in from a local unemployment office having multiple orgasms.
The Web only makes sense in the World Beyond! Liberate yourself from the Tyranny of Logic!
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, TNA released a report following its consultation with Second Amendment experts from every academic corner of the United States regarding the "well regulated militia." The scholars confirmed the Second Amendment was not referring to treasonous militias formed in a friend's backyard to overthrow the government, but well-regulated militias run by state governments.
Warsaw, Poland-(
Jurors in the famous accordion lawsuit case rendered a surprise decision when they found for the plaintiff in a 700,000,000 Zloty lawsuit against one of the area's largest employers.

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