NEW YORK — The NYSE and Nasdaq both dropped more than 30-percent in late afternoon trading on Friday over news that the …

‘It all happened so quickly,’ Gregg told us. ‘I phoned the hospital and they said it was best I drove her in. Maureen was making a terrible fuss but I thought we had plenty of time before the baby arrived. How wrong I was. The next thing I knew the baby’s head had appeared and I hadn’t even called for the ambulance.’

David Cameron warned today that KitKats could be a thing of the past if the country votes to leave Europe.

ATLANTA (The Barbed Wire) - CNN is going to wish they had never spent any time in the Democratic debate last week asking Hillary Clinton about releasing her transcripts for speeches she gave at Goldman Sachs - and speeches she charged an arm and a leg for. There are a few people in this world that would be worth spending $250,000 to hear their thoughts on life and the world, but Hillary Clinton is surely not one of them.

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Saudi Arabia threatened to break up with the United States if Congress continued to ask questions about the Saudi role in the September 11th, 2001 terrorist attacks. Saudi Arabia claimed the United States was obsessed by the subject, and their relationship was being strained by its lack of trust in the kingdom.

The iconic muck was a staple of many streets and back alleys until as recently as the late 90s. Now though it will never been seen again as the last remaining piece of white dog shit was sucked up by a vehicular street sweeper.

Wave after wave of French cars and vans crossing the channel to stock up on cheap Pot Noodles, microwave ready meals and Cup-a-Soups.

Ian Anderson found fluting on a park bench.

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable...

NEW JERSEY (The Barbed Wire) - Sympathetic to the plight of members of the LGBTQ community who might not feel they have all the necessary bathroom options, musicians are planning two events to bring awareness and raise money for the cause. Bruce Springsteen is the brain child behind the effort.

Former NFL linebacker Walter McBride dismissed the science behind both concussion-related brain disease and climate change, as well as a range of other things, in a sprawling 3,554 word article he published on his blog yesterday.

“Miranda’s great and all, but this chair has been with me forever,” said Greene, who has no sense of proportion and considers the early 2000s as prehistoric. “I mean, at the end of the day, she won’t always let me sit on her, but the chair never complains.”

Launched like a tortoise out of a grey-hound's trap, The Daily Chilcott's first headline was the revelation that: 'computers may one day be can be networked together'. In further breaking news it predicts the creation of an 'Internet', a confluence of computing resources that can share information.

In related news: Sanders five minute meeting with Jesus, here.

The offer came on the back of Cruz soundly beating Donald Trump in the Wyoming Republican convention.

"When I become president, the federal minimum wage will be $27 an hour. Working families in America will finally get the raises my largest donors are primarily responsible for withholding from them over the last four decades," promised Clinton.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, former 2016 Republican presidential candidate U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina accepted the Republican presidential nomination. An inebriated Graham gave his acceptance speech at what he claimed was the Corinth Tavern in Seneca, South Carolina.

Alongside their decision to limit the cost of away tickets next season, football club owners have plan to ‘once and for all’ rid the Premiership of the embarrassment that is Aston Villa – although many feel Villa’s self-imposed limit on wins ‘may be enough’.

She lies! Pastel pantsuits are all but extinct already.

by Will Durst.The Democrats are showing fangs: no longer just hopping around like baby rabbits playing tag in a shaded glen. And once again America reaches for the Tylenol after wrenching its collective back recoiling from the wacky ugliness monopolizing the presidential election primary process. But this time, it’s… the Democrats. Surprise. Surprise. Surprise. The Mommy Party has [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.