MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles, Manila Bureau) - Donald Trump is now the presumptive Republican nominee for president of the United States, but it appears he is also running for president of the Philippines. In recent weeks, the Philippines' Commission on Elections (COMELEC) has been testing the new Vote Counting Machines (VCM) that will be used…

Once Mexico is done building a wall along the US-Mexico border on Earth, they can start one separating American heaven from Mexican heaven in the afterlife, Donald Trump says.

A man claiming to be Satoshi Nakamoto, the inventor of Bitcoin, has come forward, bringing the number of people coming forward claiming to be Satoshi Nakamoto this week to thirty-two, a record.

The Contractor’s Union Northern Trust has received several complaints from local citizens after plumbers failed to turn up mere minutes after the phone call was made.

A large majority of Americans think watching two highly dangerous psychopaths pretend they care about them will epically suck.

Research carried out by the RSPB shows over 3 million birds over the age of six are still living in the nest where they were born, unable to move out of the family home or afford a roost of their own.

In related news: a black-eyed Susan is wanted for questioning in a domestic violet case.

Turning 65 is daunting – a definite tunnel at the end of the light – but the more I think about it, the more I can identify the pluses (and not just plus sizes) that accompany this milestone. Here are a few. You get discounts...

MONTPELIER, Vermont (The Adobo Chronicles, Washington Bureau) - With a clenched fist symbolic of the campaign of Philippine presidential candidate Rodrigo Duterte, Democratic presidential aspirant Senator Bernie Sanders today endorsed the controversial mayor of Davao City. This is the first time in the history of the United States that a Philippine presidential candidate has received the…

The Boston Herald - (SatireWorld.com)
On their first day in the Hub, a group of Cherokees hoping to confront Elizabeth Warren over her Native American heritage claims blasted the Democrat for trying to dismiss the ancestry controversy as a non-issue in the Bay State.

Las Vegas, NV – (satireworld.com)
Nevada Senator Harry Reid announced that he plans “to campaign really hard” in order to become Hillary Clinton’s running mate if she becomes the nominee of the Democratic Party in the 2016 elections. Reid, who believes that “Hillary can do great things to and for the American people, just like her husband Bill,” says that there are a lot of factors on his side:

Philadelphia PA - (satireworld.com)
Democratic Party presidential presumptive nominee Hillary Clinton (Nana) and her husband former President Bill Clinton (Bubba) have written a second theme song for the 2016 Democratic National Convention. This new song, “That Old Black Vote,” reflects the far left wing principles of today’s Democratic Party. It will be sung by the Reverend Al Sharpton, as the Keynote Address, to the melody of “That Old Black Magic.

NEW YORK, New York (The Adobo Chronicles, Washington Bureau) -  Yesterday, presumptive Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tried to endear himself to Hispanic voters by celebrating Cinco de Mayo with a bowl of tacos at the penthouse suite of his New York Trump Towers. That was lunch. Realizing that May was Asian-Pacific Islander Heritage Month which commemorates…

University of California Gender Studies major John Warshofksky complained: 'I never sat down at a meeting until I was sure every woman had arrived, to make sure I wasn't depriving a woman of a seat.

New York, NY—Donald Trump was all smiles today as he held aloft his honorary degree from Trump University. Dean Izzy Credentialed claims, “The honorary version of our six-figure degree is just as valid as the real thing. Sadly.” Upon receiving the honor, Trump stated, “I don’t generally do the humbled thing, but if I did, this would be that time…

Hey, can we all just stop complaining that our government coddles Wall Street’s big money-grubbing banks? Sure, they went belly-up and crashed our economy with their frauds, rigged casino games, and raw greed. And, yes, the Bush and Obama regimes rushed to bail them out...

New York City, NY – (satireworld.com)
Former First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State verified her frigid condition to the world with her latest lawsuit. The potential Presidential candidate spilled a twenty-two degree McDonald’s milkshake in her lap and sued the fast food chain because of the burns that she suffered.

Images on Instagram show men walking around in backless trousers with vast amounts of matted hair cascading from their bottoms.

Cornwall, England – (SatireWorld.com)

Clara Meadmore, who celebrates her 105th birthday Saturday, says she knows the secret to a long life….No sex! The retired secretary, who lives in a nursing home in Cornwall, southwestern Britain, says she is still a virgin and has no regrets about it, according to reports in British newspapers and on SatireWorld.

This country has been so good to me. I look around and I say, we are the best at so much. But not everything. You can’t be the best at everything. We’ve got the best people in the world, except when it comes to top-quality ass.