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Def Leppard announced today that they have replaced longtime drummer Rick Allen with Carlos Moreno, a one-armed itinerant percussionist from Chihuahua, Mexico.
The founder of Papa John's Pizza, John Schnatter, followed up his accusation that the beloved icon of the Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise used the "N-word" with claims that Colonel Sanders had been seen sexually cavorting with barn yard animals.
Southern Mexico- (
Archaeologists have uncovered the 1,300 year old remains of a Mayan prince entombed within a royal complex at the ancient city of Uxul, located near the Guatemalan border. The Mayan’s prophesied the end of the world on December 21, 2012, that failed to occur and this dig provides new insights into their history.
Ballybollox, Eire – (

A third-rate actress who appeared as Maid Marian in the 50s’ children’s TV series The Adventures of Robin Hood was Barack Obama’s paternal grandmother according to declassified UK papers.
Washington,DC (

With the advent of National Socialized Medicine, Democratic supporters squeaked in a provision in the last moments before a vote that allows free abortions upon demand for any women who desires one.
Washington, DC –

Changes in primitive area usage policies rested upon a pending decision by both the EPA and Interior Department over access to natural trail systems to be opened to the handicapped and other physically limited users.
Tehran Iran:

IRNA the Iranian News Service has announced that The Islamic Republic of Iran has adopted a more outwardly warm and fuzzy attitude to attract western and eastern nations to do business and attract tourists to come to Iran. “Death to America” and “Death to Israel” shouted in the presence of foreign tourists will be met with harsh punishment as will talking about Iranian nuclear weapons development, missile development and state sponsored terrorism.
Speaking to members of the press for the first time since tendering his resignation as Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency on Thursday, Scott Pruitt vowed that he would continue his war on the environment in his free time as a citizen.
Using advanced imaging techniques applied to billions of cat photos and videos on the internet, researchers found that cats have read more books, understood them better, and in general are better read than 95% of their human owners.
London – (

The United States Chicken Bureau said today that President Rump would be pushing hard during his upcoming state visit to sell Brits millions of fluoridated American chickens in a landmark trade deal.
Washington, DC – (

A spokesman for the FBI unveiled a plot against a Congresswoman today at a press conference in Los Angeles. The thwarted crime was supposedly formulated by Trump supporters said FBI field agent Henry Winnebago. The charges included to ‘kidnap and extort Administration critic California Congresswoman Maxine Waters, by using a trap-like device located on the grounds of her Los Angeles home’.
The doppelgänger of American comedian Zach Galifianakis was awarded the title role in the new Royal Shakespeare Company's production of Hamlet this week. Here's what you need to know.
The Trump Administration announced today that it will offer a $5,000 rebate to anyone who purchases a 1983 Chrysler LeBaron through the year 2020.
Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom,

I saw on the news last night that Walmart is going to start doing breast implants.

I know that breast implants use saline pouches, and that saline is just another name for salt water.

Do you think anyone has tried to corner the market on salt water by buying up a lot of stock?

I think that we could get ourselves rich doing this!

Lefty Schwartz Flyspit, Georgia
Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom,

We was driving outside of the town of Toad Suck, Arkansas and we seen a really funny sight. We’re even sending you the picture. It’s an outhouse with a satellite dish on the roof.

Any idea what’s up with this?

Burt Holesum Memphis, Tennessee
In the wake of Justice Anthony Kennedy's announced retirement from the US Supreme Court, President Trump nominated Scumbag Steve as his replacement on the highest court of the land.
THE VATICAN (The Adobo Chronicles, Rome Bureau) - Saying that heterosexuality is simply a lifestyle, Pope Francis today released a new encyclical that redefines the Catholic Church’s dogma on marriage. A papal encyclical is one of the highest forms of communication by the Pope and usually deals with some aspect of Catholic teaching — clarifying, amplifying,…
Federal officials say they have reunited more than 200 migrant families with their Central American gangs back home after they were detained trying to cross the US border under Donald Trump's Zero Tolerance policy for illegal entry into the United States.

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