Check Please!
I was going to make Jared Kushner my 7th top friend, but then I remembered that having family members in your top 8 is LAME.
Wayne Rooney has provided a timely reminder to fellow Manchester United players of his value to the team, following his appearance on the subs bench last weekend and ongoing speculation that he is out of favour with new manager Jose Mourinho.

‘Out of interest, how are you guys getting to Stoke next weekend?’ Rooney asked a crowded dressing room after Saturday comfortable win over Leicester City. ‘Obviously, I usually take us in my Ford Transit. Nice and warm in there with the underseat heating, we can crank up the tunes on the stereo, but it does kinda depend on whether I’m actually playing
Nogales, AZ—An angry Tweet from Donald Trump has enslaved thousands of ‘snowflake’ liberals for the single purpose of building his promised border wall. The President told the press today, “I said the Mexicans would pay for the wall and clearly some of the folks we detained this week are pretty brown, really brown people. Sure, some are just tan because we picked them…
by Matt Rotman.Apple’s surprise announcement of the iPhone X finally let’s the War Babies publicly decry public assistance to anyone but them. Apple introduced three new iPhone models this week, but only one optimally allows Baby Boomers ... Read moreSubscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.
Bwanna, Kenya – (
Kenyan game preserve officers tracked down and killed a 45 foot long crocodile today after it was seen leaving a village shortly after it decimated the most of the inhabitants. The massacre occurred during an evening celebration.
Baltimore, MD – (

A 19-year-old Baltimore man is dead after police say he accidentally shot himself while taking ‘selfies’ while holding a loaded magnum revolver.

De’Jang Alonso Smith died of a gunshot wound to the throat about 1:30 p.m. Tuesday at an apartment in southwest Baltimore.
Quarterback Matt Ryan tore both his ACL and MCL when he slipped on a patch of ice this morning. A seemingly unlikely accident considering the balmy weather in Atlanta this time of year, your starting fantasy football quarterback will miss the rest of the season along with the rest of your first string roster, all of whom were also either suspended, placed on injured reserve or died during the last 24 hours.
Brooklyn, NY – (
Women who received twitters, e-mails, and other forms of transmitted photographs from Congressman Anthony Weiner have stated unanimously that they all thought his nose was his most prominent feature. In fact, a House subcommittee is now looking into the possibility that sending pictures of his nose was really the pornography in this case.
London (UK) – (

An Islamic cleric residing in London said that women should not be close to bananas or cucumbers, in order to avoid any “sexual thoughts.”
Las Cruces, NM – (

In a poll conducted by The Harvard Institute of Silly Surveys That Waste Government Money But Provide Work For Tenured Professors, Lazy Students and ACORN Workers, Anal Seepage was voted “The Least Favorite Thing To Find In A Chair.” –

Be the first on your block to grow your own penicillin! Why waste that moldy bread when it can be turned into a life saving wonder drug in just a few days!

Vatican City -(

Pope Francis left the Vatican on Monday to travel to the US on a visit to shrines and diocese leaders. He hoped to stop at various religious landmarks he hadn't officially visited as Pope in previous US visits.
The author of over one dozen papers questioning the validity of climate change, Balling, who resides in Florida's Ft. Myers area, went on to deny that she has ever owned any outdoor furniture or that she once had a trampoline in her backyard despite reports to the contrary.
Welp, this is how it all ends. If there's some sort of service to remember me, please have them mention my karate belts.
Crystal Palace has reverted to its former existence as a home for old dinosaurs after a very brief attempt to bring it up to the standards associated with modern life. Announcing a brand new era just a couple of months ago, the owners introduced a young, dynamic, forward-thinking manager to transform the establishment which was...
Flagstaff, AZ—The Daily Discord, a site not known for its philanthropic prowess, has set up a fund to help Richard Branson recover from the category five hurricane that ravaged his private island this week. Head Comedy writer Mick Zano explains, “Please donate generously to the account we’ve set up and don’t forget about the special charity…
Law enforcement officials say it is way too early to eliminate a badass shark attack as the cause for an abandoned boat spookily floating in the harbor of Martha’s Vineyard. In view of locals and countless, impressionable tourists, a fishing spooner was discovered deserted in Harbor View Monday morning...
Amid the chaos of two hurricanes, an earthquake in Mexico, and the threat of nuclear war with North Korea, Former President Barack Obama unexpectedly jumped into a space shuttle and blasted off into outer space.
An English teacher attempting to organize one of President Trump's sentences in a grammar diagram found herself in a world she no longer recognized.
SAN FRANCISCO, California (The Adobo Chronicles, San Francisco Bureau) - The database of one of the major credit reporting agencies has been hacked, exposing personal information of about 143 million people in the U.S., UK and Canada. The agency, Equifax, announced that hackers were able to acquire names, social security numbers, birth dates, home addresses and…

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