Check Please!
Strengths/Weaknesses Breakdown For Donald Trump's Imminent Presidency
THE PENTAGON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Pentagon thanked Fox News for encouraging idiots with guns to "guard" recruitment centers in Wisconsin, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, and elsewhere after the July 16th gun attacks on two unarmed military posts that killed five. The Army Recruiting Command especially wanted to thank Fox News for creating a situation where unarmed servicemen have to guess if random men armed with guns outside of their posts are going to attack them or "protect" them.
Numerous regular contributors to Facebook and Twitter are reporting that someone has been shot today.  Social media is buzzing as sketchy details continue to pour in.  It’s unclear whether there are injuries or casualties but something has definitely been shot by a handgun.
You need to understand, I pay tens of thousands of dollars to hunt and kill beautiful, majestic creatures in the wild not because I want to but because I have to.
CLEVELAND — LeBron James said today that there will be some adjustment getting used to new head coach Tyronn Lue, the bi…
James Bond was stopped from boarding a flight after his weapon made the airport machines go off.
CUPERTINO, California (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - It's that time of year when Apple takes center stage to unveil its latest version of its products.  As expected, all eyes will be on the new iPhone 6S. Apple will likely hold a media event  on September 9, according to BuzzFeed News. Apple hasn't sent out invitations just yet,…
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Fox News talking head Megyn Kelly announced two nights ago on her show The Kelly Factor she was going to take a ten day vacation. Kelly did not say why she was going on vacation on-air, but an anonymous source at Fox News informed TNA today Kelly was told by her boss Roger Ailes to "take some time off, forget about Donald Trump, and the death threats his supporters keep sending you."
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee somehow escaped from the psychiatric wing he was residing in at Bellevue Hospital. Huckabee announced he wanted to make himself available to CNN so he could tell all of America he agreed with the government of Paraguay denying a 10-year-old rape victim in Asunción an abortion and forcing her to give birth to the child.
The ATF conducted a raid on an illegal meme factory operating out of Boise, Idaho, killing nine and releasing hundreds of animals with ironic expressions and headgear into the wild.
Have Experimental Autonomous Killer Drones Gone Rogue in UK? Government Denies Series of Attacks on Asian Businesses and 4x4 Dealerships Down to 'Rogue Reapers'.
DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) took part in a special weekend broadcast of Jan Mickelson's extreme-right-wing Iowa radio show. Cruz used the platform to warn Americans "atheist-Muslim-fascist-communist-ISIS-liberal terrorists" wanted to destroy America, religious freedom, and Christianity.
The Segway cameraman who controversially managed to catch up with the world's fastest man Usain Bolt from behind, has not had his booking to cover the next G8 meeting of world leaders cancelled, we have been told.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Late this afternoon, President Obama announced his intention to rename the tallest mountain in the Presidential Range located in New Hampshire. Obama explained Mount Washington would be renamed "Mount Obama," because he was better at being president than America's first president under the Constitution - George Washington.
ROWAN COUNTY, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis announced she only wanted to choose what laws to follow, because of "God or something." Davis explained her position as she continued to refuse gay couples a marriage license after the Supreme Court declined to exempt her from doing her job, because of her cited reason of "stuff."
EARTH — World War III has broken out after a party cruise hosted by New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski sailed…
GRAYSON, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, hundreds rallied outside of the Carter County Detention Center where Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis had been held since Thursday for contempt of court for refusing to issue a marriage license to any same-sex couple. Supporters prayed for Davis, pledged thousands of dollars to her, and were in unanimous agreement that "freedom of religion would not be under attack" if "Jesus Christ was president again."
The U.S. Justice Department is attempting to cajole Apple into granting it rear entry to iPhones by claiming doing so would not violate the tech company’s ethical standards.
MOREHEAD, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, bigots from around the country assembled in front of the building Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis worked out of so they could yell obscenity-laced threats of physical harm and spiritual damnation at same-sex couples seeking to get a marriage license. Many of the hateful, ignorant people who bravely assailed same-sex couples for exercising their legal rights affirmed that their petty intolerance draped in religion was more important than the Constitution and the rule of law.
BOWMAN, Montana--Newly married Shane Dotson, 27, says he was surprised to learn that his wife, Misty, had kept secret certain elements of her academic background.  Dotson, who graduated from Montana Technical Institute with an electrical engineering degree, says he had been led to believe that his new wife, who has a BSN, had only studied…

Since 2003, HumorFeed has been the web's best independent satire news and humor news hub. Our content is provided by an association of carefully selected writers, dedicated to providing some of the best and sharpest material online.

The web's best network of satire news sites
Bending the news until it breaks!


Get today's toon from