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Tweet Tower—By all accounts President Trump’s joint press conference with the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, really sucked. Many in the press equate the event to watching a librarian look on helplessly as a pack of baboons ransack the silent reading area. For starters Trump refused to shake the Chancellor’s hand. He then explained, “There’s a secret ‘real’ world leader handshake, uh,…
“National Opposites Day is a day that will live in infamy, and I’m the first president to say that,” said Trump. In a desperate attempt to move beyond the accusations made by the White House that former President Barack Obama had wiretap surveillance installed at Trump Tower, Donald Trump has retroactively declared March 4th...
Donald's .357 tries to match Kim Jong Un's antiaircraft guns. Tillerson weighs in over the nuclear button. Brinksmanship? No, it's reckless stupidity.
The heavily marked-down eternal soul of President Donald Trump’s press secretary is available for purchase at a secondhand store in a Washington, D.C., suburb.
Thousands of low-income elderly Americans scared by proposed draconian federal budget cuts and the prospect of skyrocketing health care costs are taking solace in President Donald Trump’s campaign promise that a venerable holiday greeting will enjoy a resurgence under his leadership.
Art Baxendale (37) is enjoying the breeze on his legs, blissfully unaware that his display is proving powerfully erotic to the women around town.
A scientific study finally focuses on something we care about: the Oreo cookie.
Responding to public outcry against the GOP's proposed healthcare plan and elements of his budget that include significant cuts to the Meals on Wheels program, President Trump confronted claims he is waging awar on the elderly by announcing today that the AHCA would completely cover the cost of medication seniors take all at once.
For me, a guy with mainstream sexual compulsions, the love of my life showed up where I least expected it: inside a rusty dumpster loaded with 1,000 gallons of syrupy green goo.
Washington, DC—The Secret Service has foiled the fourth attempt to breach the White House grounds in so many weeks. This latest incident occurred Sunday afternoon and involved the well-known children’s icon, Grover, of Sesame Street fame. Grover was arrested near the south entrance of the White House donning a cape and a plastic knight’s helmet. White House spokesperson Sean Spicer told…
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable...
The Prime Minster, Theresa May, has said the government is to spend some more time working on a poetic way to trigger Article 50.
"Americans are going to have the most amazing, tippy-top healthcare ever; believe me. That's why Funeral Savings Accounts are non-negotiable and must be a part of the final law. A lot of people are going to need them," Trump explained exclusively to employees of Fox News and Breitbart.
In a concerted effort to protect our own from further desecration and prejudice, we secretly replace all Gentile bodies with dead Jews. Standard procedure within the Conspiracy.
Naturalists have announced their plans to release a small troop of Survey Monkeys back into the wild. In news which has been welcomed by both animal rights groups and weary survey participants around the world, it was explained that the rare breed of monkeys were due to be released into a secret destination later this...
Iowa—Jeb Turley of Podunk Falls has made a living off of his predictions, well, that and dumpster diving. Two years ago he predicted all pizza crust would come stuffed with cheese and early last year he announced Trump would become the 45th president of the United States. This year he has become obsessed with werewolves and believes they will replace mankind as…

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