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The couple who was shocked to be getting married alongside Ben Aflleck and JLo in Vegas last week were just as astounded to find themselves sharing a divorce attorney's lobby with the same celebrity pair today.
































































 
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If your brain hurts from trying to cope with the notion that there are fewer people in heaven than there are in Starbucks on a Sunday morning, try coping with this instead: if fewer than one one-bazillionth of a percent of all the people who have ever lived were good enough to get into heaven, you’re probably fucked. You’re going to spend the rest of eternity, however long that is, with your stinking family, most of whom will think at first that you must have gone to heaven because that’s where they are. Wait until you see how ornery they get when they notice the lack of air conditioning.
Two things are certain about the bible: animals were harmed during its production, and cats are not mentioned anywhere in it. If you care to, you can find calves and camels, cankerworms and cattle, cocks and colts, crickets and crocodiles, but no cats.
As local business sacks regular workforce, local community asks whether 'agency staff' replacements are actually zombies. Claims of all-night Voodoo drums from delivery bays of Dagenham supermarket as customers allege they recognise some of shambolic new staff as deceased loved ones. Are the living dead destined to be UK's new unpaid workforce?
Paranormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time, a mother worries her teenaged son is involved in a Satanic sex cult when she discovers a huge stone penis-shaped altar in his room, to which he and his friends masturbate. Can the Rev help?
Are Britain's lower classes, immigrants and refugees sufficiently grateful for the charity they receive? Right-wing political candidates proposes they be forced to show appropriate levels of gratitude to their benefactors - or face summary justice from the 'Gratitude Police'. Believes public displays of gratitude from lower orders will restore 'natural order' in UK.
Prime Minister explodes in Commons! Terrorism or spontaneous human combustion? Tory party thrown into chaos amid accusations of witchcraft being behind explosion. While opposition suggests either Boris Johnson exploded from shame or faked own death to escape political problems, others point finger at Labour leader Keir Starmer's alleged mental powers.
Despite their widespread use, parental controls have been a disappointment as a means of empowering children to control their parents’ Internet and television viewing. According to Victoria Dumars, a spokeswoman for the Consortium for a Sound Intellect in New York (CSI-New York), “Parents are very resourceful when it comes to evading parental controls. They are determined to keep watching cooking shows, the most laughable porn, and the VH1 classic rock channel no matter how much these choices embarrass their children.”
According to PETA, most animal behavior problems are the result of “too much exposure to human sexual activity.” Therefore, pet owners who subject their little friends to triple-x-rated performances should not be surprised if their dogs break into the hamper and chew soiled underwear, or their cats sit on the coffee table trying to lick the fur off their butts whenever company arrives, or their birds straddle the bars of their perches and rock back and forth suggestively.

“That white stuff on the floor of bird cages isn’t all bird shit,” grinned the PETA spokesperson.
The overthrow of Roe v. Wade, according to many in the chatterverse, signaled a trampling of all that’s good and holy that will make Sherman’s March to the Sea look like a highway adoption program.

Fauxcahontas Warren (Cherokee-MA) predicts the two-for-one fall of gay marriage and interracial marriage. Bette Midler calls for women to take a knee during the National Anthem. (Bars are probably playing it during happy hour already.)
According to an alert issued from the Waynesboro Police Department, officers parked across the street from Chloe's Flower Shop on Main Street observed the man exiting the store carrying a bouquet of zinnias and two helium balloons around 3pm.
































































 
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Decided in a special session after the 2021-22 term came to a close two weeks ago, the case effectively carves out an exception to the statewide bans on abortion being legislated across the nation in the wake of SCOTUS striking down Roe v. Wade last month.
































































 
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Currently pegged at $100.54 by concessions analyst group TruMark, the rising cost of an average 16-ounce cup of beer in a Major League baseball stadium is especially burdensome to middle class fans who have little alternative but to pay it.
































































 
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The ruling on the case, which argued that women were going to the ladies' room too often and lingering too long, will re-enshrine an era of broader male oversight of their female charges' restroom habits.
































































 
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Do you know what a period is? How about a supply chain? Because I sure do!































































 
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The collapse, which began with a pedestrian 5% decline of the Dow at the opening bell, soon saw the index crash through every level of support on its way to a sub-zero close for the day, the first time it has been at or below that level since its founding in 1885.































































 
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A mass shooting that began outside a music festival in Dallas combined with another mass shooting at a nearby graduation party last night, resulting in a 'super-mass shooting' that left at least 200 people dead, authorities report.
































































 
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Inspired by the groundswell of support shown for the town of Uvalde, Texas in the wake of last week's mass shooting, the National Rifle Association announced today that it will fund a trip for the attack's survivors to visit Hurricane Harbor Water Park in Arlington.
































































 
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You might have noticed that prices on everything from gas for your LeBaron to cat food for your grandma have been going up recently. This is due to something called 'inflation'; and while the causes of inflation are much too complicated for you to understand, fighting it with some mostly useless money saving ideas is not. The following are a handful of tips that could slow your family's inexorable descent into financial ruin:



































Two weeks after a draft to overturn Roe v. Wade was made public, the Supreme Court is on the verge of also overturning Rape v. Lady, another leak has revealed.
































































 
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