Chicago, Il—Last night republican presidential candidate Donald Trump canceled his Chicago rally due to safety concerns. Trump was not happy with the number of protestors in the audience. The Chicago Police Department insisted they had a sufficient ratio of batons to black skulls and encouraged Trump to proceed with the event and antagonize minorities as he saw…

It Always Takes A Batman To Take Out A Joker

Hour II of this duo’s attempt to survive in downtown Flagstaff with only 5$ each and the contents of their backpacks.

Some have taken note of a pause in my periodic Apology column. I can assure you this so-called “pause” amounts only to a period of time wherein I could not bring myself to my job. It takes almost a superhuman editorial strength to acknowledge some of the rampant journalistic abuses all to common in this rag…

Dog-whistle politics is a term that describes statements made by political candidates and people in elected positions phrased in ways intended to galvanize support from like-mined voters. At the same time such political revenuers try to avoid repulsing voters who are on the fence. “Family values” might be an example of a dog-whistle. Lately a…

What would the dead presidents say about so-called president Donald J. Trump? Now you know. Abraham Lincoln “Frederick Douglass was a friend of mine. President Trump — you are no Frederick Douglass!” George Washington “I’m still pissed — my Inauguration crowd numbers would’ve been way up if it wasn’t for that dishonest Town Crier!” Franklin

  “Prancer took a ground-to-air missile right in the keister last year. Luckily, he’s into that kind of thing.” —Santa Claus *Blitzenkreig & Holly Jolly Jihad joke both removed by the editor and repackaged for Humorfeed.

The Humor Times has obtained this exclusive transcript of Donald Trump promising to make baseball great again. We’re going to make America’s Game great again. The Dominicans are absolutely killing us. They’re crossing our foul lines and taking roster spots from American players. Folks, they are steroid users and their pitchers throw spit-balls.

Why Brexit? Could it be because the European Union has become a messy, bureaucratic, multinational government of, by and for corporate interests? The most shocking thing about “Brexit” — the British people’s resounding vote to pull their country out of the European Union — is that it came as such a shock to the British.

Tweet Tower—Did you listen to that entire press conference? It was like reading Lord of the Rings backwards. We must get the One Coherent Thought from Mt. Doom back to that pub in the Shire! At this rate by 2020 the GOP can just legislate by scribbling their laws on the walls of a truck stop restroom. Maybe Betsy DeVos…

The super-rich spend billions to buy the president – but your little donation can counter them. For today’s report, I have a bunch of statistics for you. Wait — don’t run away! Where are you going? Come back here and sit still while I drill these stats into your head! It’ll be fun...

by Michael Egan.‘Lab Penis’ facility says request is not unique but its ‘aryan’ prescription ‘is unsual’ WINSTON-SALEM, NC — The Wake Forest Institute for Regenerative Medicine, which specializes in fake dicks, false [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.

I got it! Let’s keep the “illegals” and load Congress onto buses. How about that for comprehensive immigration reform? I can see it now, Louis Armstrong singing What A Wonderful World, a chirping cartoon bird landing on your shoulder, a bill some day passing Congress. Think about it, a line of buses heading south with all those do-nothing politicians. Eleven million deportations isn’t…

Brussels, BE—If the German Prime Minister, Angela Merkel, was trying to portray a strong and resolute European Union today, she did nothing of the sort. She arrived at the latest EU conference to discuss the details of The United Kingdom’s withdrawal carrying three boxes of Dunkin Donuts. Sweden, Finland, and Spain did not even get one as Merkel apparently…

Director Tom Ford’s second movie might be as good as his first. That’s saying a lot because A Single Man (2009) was an excellent debut for a guy who’s more into Yves Saint Laurent and Gucci than, it seems, directing a motion picture.

by Roger Freed.ISIS ‘heroes’ find their heavenly reward The dead ISIS members paraded up the path leading to their Glory. As they walked they boasted about their accomplishments. “I drove a truck with bombs in it into a marketplace and killed 22 people!” spoke one, his broken teeth smiling in self-satisfaction. “I wore a suicide vest into [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.

This isn’t about healing anymore, it’s about collapsing. I’m afraid that’s the only trick left in the republican bag of tricks. Speaking of bags, why not stuff your political party into one, light it on fire, and leave it in on someone’s porch? I would say ‘wake up’, but it’s probably best to stay asleep…

Aliens are now generally unsupportive of the idea that humans have, in any shape or form, been to Earth, according to new polling.

by Jim Hightower.Big Pharma tries to deal with the pesky matter of public anger at price gouging. Big news, people! Especially for those of you upset by the skyrocketing prices of the essential prescription medicines you take — including thousands of patients who were hit last year with a 5,000 percent price increase for one lifesaving drug! [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.

  Trump Tower—Presidential nominee Donald Trump is making disturbing claims about the origins of his presidential aspirations. When asked about his initial desire to seek the highest office in the land, Mr. Trump told NBC’s Matt Lauer, “I started playing this game, Slenderman. Little by little I was playing it all the time. I barely had…