As tensions continue to build between protestors and the police over the death of George Floyd two weeks ago, many across the nation find themselves yearning for the recent simpler times of only having to constantly worry about contracting COVID-19.

Pegg, a non-pussy who spent his last days fighting government overreach by forbidding patrons from wearing protective masks inside his bar, reportedly drowned in his own fluids like a real man.

President Trump once again got into a confrontation with a reporter during a White House press briefing this morning, this time questioning CBS News' Wanda Scifres existence.

One week after mobilizing the military to distribute a potential future vaccine against COVID-19, President Trump shocked the nation this morning when he announced that he has already approved just such a vaccine, and that widespread distribution among registered Democrats will begin immediately.

Top crime figures demand government lift lockdown to facilitate their members. Robberies, burglaries and street crimes at a standstill due to anti-Covid measures. Crime unions claim fewer people at home and more potential victims on the streets needed to kickstart UK crime.

Are celebrities exploiting captive audience provided by coronavirus lockdown? Accusations that inane celebrity videos driving housebound population to brink of insanity as instances of arson, attempted murder and suicide rise sharply.

Has the real Boris Johnson been replaced by clones? Journalist posits incendiary theory that Prime Minister actually died of Covid-19 and cloned by Tory Party to avoid public panic. As many as three Boris clones claimed to be on loose.

Small communities fearing panic buying bands of brigands might fall upon their local shops recruit mercenaries to protect their villages. Devon pensioners engage 'Magnificent Seven', while others employ mercenaries to to clear bandits threatening OAP supermarket shopping hours.

As UK goes into lockdown, popular culture struggles to deal with restrictions imposed by social distancing rules in order to ensure that it is show business as usual. Proposals for gossip columnists to simulate celebrity incidents with dolls while suggestions that football season be continued via Subuteo mooted.

Will Boris Johnson's much vaunted virility, as he gets another woman up the duff, prove to be his downfall? Top Labour spin doctor plans election broadcast simulating Prime Minister in bed copulating with a woman - believes public revulsion at sight of all those wobbling buttocks and horrendous grunting will persuade voters to abandon Boris.

Is coronavirus 'Fake News'? Conspiracy theories 'go viral' as President Trump claims Covid-19 is Chinese/Democrat conspiracy to discredit him, while UK conspiracy theorist claims virus is cover up for zombie apocalypse.

With a wide range of businesses and services remaining shuttered due to the Coronovirus pandemic, people are developing new skills for things they've previously hired others to do for them. From cooking their own pets to inking their own tattoos, folks are more self-sufficient than ever. Perhaps no DIY project is more important however than one's own mental health, as diagnosing and preventing any early-stage mental illness is more crucial than ever. The following are some tips for maintaining your mental and emotional well-being during these difficult times:

As an agorophobic woman watching Coronavirus spread around the world these last few months, I've experienced a variety of emotions. Sadness, of course, over all the lives lost. Anxiousness, naturally, at how many more will get sick and how long this nightmare will last. But also one more. One more that up to now, out of politeness, I've refrained from divulging but can hold back no longer. One that can be pretty much summed up by one expression: "I TOLD YOU SO!!!"

Two months after the United States announced it's first fatality due to the Coronavirus, the nation's death toll surpassed 60,000 this week - or less than 3% of the Vietnamese killed during the Vietnam War, the Trump Administration pointed out today.

In the blurred new reality of quarantines and stay at home orders, one man has conceived of a new name for all the days of the week that for many have lost all distinction: Sturmwedonfrituday.

Members of right-wing movements opposed to government-imposed Coronavirus restrictions staged raids of intensive care units in multiple states yesterday, "liberating" patients receiving care for COVID-19 infections.

To help our readers during this unprecedented coronavirus pandemic, we're offering a free (!) downloadable printer template for making your very own homemade toilet paper.

Flipping the script on a decades-old campaign, one small town in New Hampshire is now urging it's youth to choose drugs over hugs in order to fight the Coronavirus.

Declaring a deadly coronavirus outbreak is no excuse for flavorless eggs and pasty half-cooked bacon, a well-known food critic reviews a NY hospital cafeteria.

With the start of the Major League Baseball season postponed indefinitely due to the Coronavirus outbreak, members of the Houston Astros are reportedly keeping at the top of their win-at-any-cost approach to the game by cheating around the house.