The sun took a massive crap today, unleashing a galactical butt-shower of fire into outer space that's headed our way.

Americans have become used to tirades coming from Donald Trump.  Some that make sense and some not so much.  His latest diatribe came Friday afternoon at the Trump Tower lobby in New York City.

Did Titanic Really Sink in 1912? Conspiracy Theorist Sensationally Claims that Liner Still Afloat and Hosting Cabal of Immortal Celebrities Who Faked Own Deaths!

DENVER (The Barbed Wire) - Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is fuming this week amid rumors he used human growth hormone (HGH) to recover from surgery several years ago. Al Jazeera, the source of record for football in the United States, claims in a report that Manning was supplied steroids from a clinic in Indianapolis in 2011.

Fears were growing last night that Glastonbury festival goers will try to give Kanye West a taste of his own medicine by urinating on him as he performs, according to at least one message on Twitter last night.

NEW YORK (The Barbed Wire) - The Republican presidential field is scrambling this week to find a way forward after the shocking, recent departures of John McCain's BFF, Lindsey Graham, and former New York governor George Pataki. The announcements also crushed the dreams of millions who were hoping to see the first male president named Lindsey.

COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA (The Nil Admirari): Today, the South Carolina legislature banned the Confederate flag from state government in response to last week's racially motivated shooting at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church that killed nine black churchgoers. Governor Nikki Haley praised the move, but cautioned it involved compromising with the flag's supporters who demanded all homes and businesses in South Carolina hang a visible portrait of Confederate President Jefferson Davis.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the U.S. Department of Reality released a report that concluded seizing a federal building and daring federal agents to attack you in order to incite a deadly confrontation were almost certainly acts of terrorism and treason. This conclusion was inevitable, regardless of why the federal building was seized.

Supreme Court justice feeling much more like his old self again.

AUGUSTA, MAINE (The Nil Admirari): Republican Governor of Maine Paul LePage announced today the slime covering his entire body was impossible to remove. The slime on LePage has been blamed for his efforts to cut programs for the poor, sick, elderly, children, and virtually every other person in Maine who is not very wealthy.

After transcripts went public from a 2005 deposition that shows Bill Cosby admitting to using quaalude on women so he could have sex with them, his PR team announced today that he plans to use the publicity to promote his new movie, "Quaalude to a Kiss."

LSU’s legendary sports play-by-play broadcaster is retiring in the spring, and to commemorate his last LSU football season, Jim Hawthorne plans to call attention throughout the season to arguably the most notable football call of his 35-year career as the Voice of the Tigers.

Britons to be Banned from Sniffing Own Farts under new Legislation Cracking Down on Legal Highs. Warnings From Experts that Low Quality Imported Farts Could be Responsible for Serious Illnesses and even Deaths Among Fart Sniffing Clubbers.

Shocking new statistics discovered by this newspaper show that 9 out of 10 people consider walking out of screenings of The Revenant simply to warm up, it has been claimed.

SACRAMENTO (TheSkunk.org) — In the midst of the worst drought ever recorded in the history of the Golden State, thirsty residents are turning to recycled urine dispensaries to quench themselves and their families.  Businesses have sprouted up and down the state, processing human urine and bottling it for human consumption.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - A clearly drunk Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) announced today he purchased a controlling interest in the Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery. Boehner purchased 51% of the winery because it produced the jugs of Carlo Gallo Chablis he liked.

ATLANTA—Local good old boy lawbreakers Bo Darville and Cledus Snow are preparing to take on what some are calling an impossible task as they attempt to make a run to Texarkana, Texas in an 18 wheeler, pick up 400 cases of Coors beer and make a return delivery here—all in the next 28 hours. “We’re…

Hundreds of greedy, lying bastards are busily working on persuasive arguments to present to National Lottery organizer Camelot...

DOUGLASVILLE, GEORGIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, TNA was able to speak to Levi Bush, who drove one of seven Confederate flag flying pickup trucks onto a field where a black child's birthday party was taking place this weekend. Bush explained he and his friends crashed the birthday party in Douglasville, Georgia to "share our culture."

Rick Perry said he intends to bring in mandatory gun ownership for everyone should he be elected president in 2016.