"You'll see heat and fire like never before. You won't believe it. There'll be storms, so many storms they won't be able to name them all," he said this morning on Fox and Friends. "They'll run out of names. Mark my words. They'll be calling these storms things like 'Xylophone' and 'Pepperoni'."

Though his services came unsolicited, and despite the whole idea seeming a little strange, the heavily-armed boy standing in your driveway claims he's there for your protection.

Adding to the number of unflattering assessments coming from his own family, an entry recovered from the diary of Donald Trump's grandmother calls Trump 'a total dick'.

Though both Georgia and Florida had already eased their own complete bans to permit shooters to operate at 50% of their usual kill totals, the Lone Star State is the first to re-instate the tacit consent of unfettered gunning down of civilians as they try to go about their daily lives.

In a public-spirited fever (ask not what our country can write about us, but what we can write about our country), we suggest creating a new holiday, National Ain't Woke, Do Not Disturb Day. We further suggest celebrating that day on August 4, the birthday of America’s first bi-racial, woker-than-shit president.

Within recent memory alone our fascination with karma has produced a television series about karma, at least half a dozen songs with karma in the title (including the unforgettable "Karma Chameleon"), a Karma food-finder app, a Karma luxury electric car, and countless tip jars with "karma" signs nearby guilt-tripping everyone.

A disturbing new report citing internal White House correspondence reveals that the President Trump currently occupying the Oval Office is the third in a series of clones made of the President before he died in 2017.

The latest in a long series of legal challenges, new suits filed by clerics in California and Minnesota seek to allow their parishioners to return to regular indoor services and get to heaven as soon as possible.

The first in possibly a series of debates between presidential candidate Kanye West and his Ninja Foodie Deluxe Multi-Cooker reportedly ended in a draw last night after a spirited 2 hour-long exchange.

Friends report that 32 year-old Aiden Schaeffer of Fort Myers, Florida died tragically less than 20 TikTok followers short of 100k Thursday afternoon.

A shocking new investigation into the origins of COVID-19 has revealed that the deadly virus was in fact engendered by deviant sex acts perpetrated by Dr. Anthony Fauci and Hillary Clinton on a hybrid wolf-man late last year.

With more totalitarianistic state and school district officials across the country declaring that schools will remain closed in the Fall to reduce the number of people dying of CoVID-19, parents will have to continue to supervise the education of their own children. The following are some tips for homeschooling your kids:

Freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. These are the three pillars upon which America rests elevated above all others. They are the foundation for what makes this country the greatest in the history of mankind, and are the reason that I, JT Bell, proud patriot, will sacrifice absolutely nothing for it.

Taking the Daytona Mercy Hospital ICU by storm yesterday afternoon, several members of Woody's Tavern did their best to lift the spirits of some of their patrons currently suffering from COVID-19.

A sextortion email purportedly authored by the Coronavirus itself that blackmailed President Trump against taking action to stem the COVID-19 pandemic has been linked to Russian operatives, the FBI revealed today.

COVID-19 is no joke, Dave. Millions have been infected, hundreds of thousands have died, and its just getting started. People not adhering to public health guidelines to avoid crowds such as this Vanilla Ice rap performer is bound to attract has already caused a recent spike in cases, and as a result the country now stands on the brink.

FDA head Eric Trump announced today his discovery of a cure for COVID-19 he made from a combination of soft drinks from the soda bar of a Golden Corral this afternoon.

His poll numbers and approval ratings sagging amidst waves of social unrest and scandal, President Trump has caused many political strategists to scratch their heads by choosing to hold a rally in the middle of a deadly pandemic Saturday - all but assuring the deaths of dozens, if not hundreds or more of his own supporters.

The statue, a knife-wielding 5'4" likeness of the diminutive man otherwise known as "The Hitchhacker" or "The Red Neck Charles Manson" for his sadistic slaying of as many as 100 people, has stood near the entrance of the city's main highway since the year of his execution by electric chair in 1991.

One week after sister city Minneapolis defunded their own police department, the city council of St. Paul, Minnesota voted unanimously today to replace their entire police force with dogs.