TUCSON, AZ - A flaming dumpster made an appearance at Tucson International Airport this afternoon, serving as the centerpiece of a mass gathering designed apparently to spread COVID-19 to as many Arizonians as possible.

For many, the product of a complex collision of primitive instinct, emotion and intellectual rationalization during these trying times has compelled them to want to continue to socialize with friends and family, but at a safe distance. If the above describes yourself accurately, the following are tips that might help you have the type of gathering that will at once satisfy and frustrate these fractured and contradictory needs combining to determine your life choices.

NEW YORK, New York (The Adobo Chronicles, New York Bureau) - Minutes after U,S. President Donald Trump walked out on Lesley Stahl, CBS announced it was renaming its news magazine show “60 MINUTES” to “37 MINUTES” Trump abruptly ended the interview 37 minutes or so into the taping after he accused Stahl of “asking tough…

Arguing that no law exists that explicitly prohibits the attachment of animals to ballot receptacles, the party has claimed that the large, threatening reptile is a necessary protection against voter fraud in the predominantly liberal neighborhood.

Calling such a repeal of federal laws that prohibit the sale and possession of methamphetamines "long overdue", Trump heralded the drug's users as "real Americans".

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles, Washington Bureau) - Surging coronavirus cases in many areas of the United States may make it unwise to hold large family gatherings at Thanksgiving this year, particularly if elderly relatives or out-of-state travel are involved, Anthony S. Fauci, the nation’s top infectious-disease expert, told “CBS Evening News” on Wednesday. “You may have…

Golly gee! What is it with people?! Its the same at my house! Flies everywhere because no one can keep the jaywalking screen door closed! And its not that hard! You walk out the door and you shut it behind you! How complicated is that?! It takes two seconds!

Despite still being in the critical stages of his fight against a COVID-19 infection, President Trump summoned his cabinet and various other staff to his hospital room at Walter Reed Medical Center this morning for an emergency meeting, before forgetting what it was he wanted to discuss.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles, Washington Bureau) - He’s called it the ‘China virus,’ downplayed its impact on Americans, and refused to acknowledge or endorse health protocols surrounding this pandemic that has so far killed over 200,000 Americans. Over the weekend, the coronavirus has tested positive for Donald Trump. Is change coming to The White…

Dressed in a cowboy hat and boots, the uncharacteristically disconsolate Trump spoke in a gravelly voice resembling that of John Dutton - the main character in the Kevin Costner drama Yellowstone, of which he is apparently a fan - in describing his plan to resolve his financial obligations with the sale of 50,000 acres of fictional land for $500 million to Market Equities, a make believe real estate development company.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles, Washington Bureau) - Donald Trump has made it clear in some of his public statements that he will refuse to recognize the results of November’s U.S. Presidential elections if he loses. This means, of course, that Trump will not vacate The While House even when his term expires in January. But…

Morrison earned that one by writing three of the most dunderheaded anti-lockdown songs imaginable...songs so wretched, oblivious, and dumb that a sober man would be tempted to think Sir Van's been gargling with the firewater again.

Adding to her impressive legacy on the bench and as a civil rights attorney while living, the undead Ginsburg traversed the 4.5 mile distance between her grave and the SCOTUS courthouse in a little over five hours, evidently with the intention of reclaiming her position there at least throughout the upcoming election.

President Trump blamed Antifa for Hurricane Sally and other tropical storms that have wreaked devastation across the Gulf Coast region this year, claiming the left-wing group is in possession of a weather machine.

In that 1907 study, Duncan MacDougall, a physician from Haverhill, Massachusetts, tested the hypothesis that souls possess physical weight by measuring the weight loss of six patients at the moment of death (when the soul "leaves" the body for an undisclosed destination).

Although we consider Professor Dipstick's proclamations about math to be as worthless as the $20 bill George Floyd was trying to pass, others are not so perceptive. Indeed, the professor's asshole tweet was retweeted by several asshole academics at universities and colleges around the nation.

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–The average American pick-up truck has gained 1,142 pounds since 1990. The average American, about the same. The average Phish tune, in concert, added nearly two minutes around its middle, and personal pizzas got 25 percent larger. Go big or go home: The 11th Commandment writ large.

Dedicated to a focus on lifting the spirits of its readership during today's troubled times, the site appears to have been dealt a fatal blow by what officials described as an "inferno cyclone" that left its headquarters a ruin of smoldering ash yesterday.

"You'll see heat and fire like never before. You won't believe it. There'll be storms, so many storms they won't be able to name them all," he said this morning on Fox and Friends. "They'll run out of names. Mark my words. They'll be calling these storms things like 'Xylophone' and 'Pepperoni'."

Though his services came unsolicited, and despite the whole idea seeming a little strange, the heavily-armed boy standing in your driveway claims he's there for your protection.