Morrison earned that one by writing three of the most dunderheaded anti-lockdown songs imaginable...songs so wretched, oblivious, and dumb that a sober man would be tempted to think Sir Van's been gargling with the firewater again.

Adding to her impressive legacy on the bench and as a civil rights attorney while living, the undead Ginsburg traversed the 4.5 mile distance between her grave and the SCOTUS courthouse in a little over five hours, evidently with the intention of reclaiming her position there at least throughout the upcoming election.

President Trump blamed Antifa for Hurricane Sally and other tropical storms that have wreaked devastation across the Gulf Coast region this year, claiming the left-wing group is in possession of a weather machine.

In that 1907 study, Duncan MacDougall, a physician from Haverhill, Massachusetts, tested the hypothesis that souls possess physical weight by measuring the weight loss of six patients at the moment of death (when the soul "leaves" the body for an undisclosed destination).

Although we consider Professor Dipstick's proclamations about math to be as worthless as the $20 bill George Floyd was trying to pass, others are not so perceptive. Indeed, the professor's asshole tweet was retweeted by several asshole academics at universities and colleges around the nation.

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–The average American pick-up truck has gained 1,142 pounds since 1990. The average American, about the same. The average Phish tune, in concert, added nearly two minutes around its middle, and personal pizzas got 25 percent larger. Go big or go home: The 11th Commandment writ large.

Dedicated to a focus on lifting the spirits of its readership during today's troubled times, the site appears to have been dealt a fatal blow by what officials described as an "inferno cyclone" that left its headquarters a ruin of smoldering ash yesterday.

"You'll see heat and fire like never before. You won't believe it. There'll be storms, so many storms they won't be able to name them all," he said this morning on Fox and Friends. "They'll run out of names. Mark my words. They'll be calling these storms things like 'Xylophone' and 'Pepperoni'."

Though his services came unsolicited, and despite the whole idea seeming a little strange, the heavily-armed boy standing in your driveway claims he's there for your protection.

Adding to the number of unflattering assessments coming from his own family, an entry recovered from the diary of Donald Trump's grandmother calls Trump 'a total dick'.

Though both Georgia and Florida had already eased their own complete bans to permit shooters to operate at 50% of their usual kill totals, the Lone Star State is the first to re-instate the tacit consent of unfettered gunning down of civilians as they try to go about their daily lives.

In a public-spirited fever (ask not what our country can write about us, but what we can write about our country), we suggest creating a new holiday, National Ain't Woke, Do Not Disturb Day. We further suggest celebrating that day on August 4, the birthday of America’s first bi-racial, woker-than-shit president.

Within recent memory alone our fascination with karma has produced a television series about karma, at least half a dozen songs with karma in the title (including the unforgettable "Karma Chameleon"), a Karma food-finder app, a Karma luxury electric car, and countless tip jars with "karma" signs nearby guilt-tripping everyone.

A disturbing new report citing internal White House correspondence reveals that the President Trump currently occupying the Oval Office is the third in a series of clones made of the President before he died in 2017.

The latest in a long series of legal challenges, new suits filed by clerics in California and Minnesota seek to allow their parishioners to return to regular indoor services and get to heaven as soon as possible.

The first in possibly a series of debates between presidential candidate Kanye West and his Ninja Foodie Deluxe Multi-Cooker reportedly ended in a draw last night after a spirited 2 hour-long exchange.

Friends report that 32 year-old Aiden Schaeffer of Fort Myers, Florida died tragically less than 20 TikTok followers short of 100k Thursday afternoon.

A shocking new investigation into the origins of COVID-19 has revealed that the deadly virus was in fact engendered by deviant sex acts perpetrated by Dr. Anthony Fauci and Hillary Clinton on a hybrid wolf-man late last year.

With more totalitarianistic state and school district officials across the country declaring that schools will remain closed in the Fall to reduce the number of people dying of CoVID-19, parents will have to continue to supervise the education of their own children. The following are some tips for homeschooling your kids:

Freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. These are the three pillars upon which America rests elevated above all others. They are the foundation for what makes this country the greatest in the history of mankind, and are the reason that I, JT Bell, proud patriot, will sacrifice absolutely nothing for it.