LOS ANGELES (The Barbed Wire) - Embarrassed Family Feud and Miss Universe pageant host, Steve Harvey, is continuing to cleanse his conscience following his recent gaffe in announcing the wrong winner in the famous beauty contest. Harvey announced Ms. Colombia as the winner, when the real winner was Ms. Philippines, a mix-up that became a contest nightmare.

In a milestone for international space travel and cosmic cable-laying, proud astronaut Tim Peake has achieved the dream and crimped off the first ever British length on an orbital space station.

After having jettisoned his historic teddys' leg into the void 400km above earth, Tim emerged from the ablutions capsule to meet Mikhail Korniyenko.

Gallop, NM – (satireworld.com)

New Mexico’s game and fish commission issued a seven page report on the results of the opening day hunter’s tally from the controversial Giant Panda hunt being conducted in several of New Mexico’s prime and protected wilderness areas.

New York – If you’re planning on traveling to the Big Apple this year to see the giant ball drop on New Year’s Eve, there may be an unexpected surprise for you.  With Dick Clark no longer around, producers are feeling like Ryan Seacrest needs a little help to give the iconic show a bit more ‘umph.’

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced he was "giving America an early Christmas present" and suspended his campaign. Trump confessed his presidential run was the type of theater only a master political satirist like him could pull off, and chastised his supporters for thinking such a detestable and bigoted character should be President of the Unites States of America.

A 38-year-old woman has succumbed to injuries she received after hearing Donald Trump use the word ‘schlonged’ to describe Hillary Clinton’s failed 2008 presidential bid.

Dallas, TX – (satireworld.com)
The State Department has taken a request under consideration from the national headquarters of Planned Parenthood in which the controversial abortion organization has asked for more liberal access to the migrant guest worker visa program in order to help out with the upcoming PP annual harvesting of baby parts set to begin in peak season which is mid to late February.

Springfield, ??—Kwik-E Mart owner, Apu Nahasapeemapetilo, has experienced an increase in Muslim bias in recent weeks. The business owner points directly to several sermons by one Reverend Timothy Lovejoy of The First Church of Springfield. The store owner claims the Reverend is intentionally inciting violence against Muslims through controversial Sunday scripture quotes, such as: ‘Blessed…

Sid Morgan, author of the now famous festive pun, has ironically been electrocuted by a set of Christmas lights on Barnsley High Street.  The joke elevated Mr Morgan from an office worker to a world-wide celebrity and his work was translated into no less than two different languages.  He went on to tour the world for the next three decades where he would be booked to deliver the line at office Christmas parties.

Las Cruces, NM – (satireworld.com)

Every year, millions of Americans go “over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house” for Thanksgiving or Christmas Dinner. Many, however, must stay home and cook the dinner themselves for the first time. This may be because finances do not permit them to travel, gas prices and airline costs are prohibitive, illness in the family, or they may just wish to establish their own holiday traditions. It could also just be “their turn” to host a rotating family meal.

Commenting on Hillary Clinton’s lengthy bathroom break during the Democratic debates last weekend, Donald Trump is calling the former secretary of state’s bowel movements “disgusting” and says that he personally hasn’t pooped in years.

(The Barbed Wire) - Speaking on Face the Nation this morning, Republican presidential candidate phenom, Jeb! Bush, said he hated being the front-runner in the early days of the presidential race. He much prefers the comfortable 5-6% polling zone that he has found himself in for months now.

NEW YORK, New York (The Adobo Chronicles) - In an effort to repair his reputation as a television host after that Miss Universe gaffe on Sunday, Steve Harvey has extended an invitation to Miss Philippines and Miss Colombia to appear on his syndicated show, 'Family Feud.' "I hope that both Pia Alonzo Wurtzbach and Ariadna Guetierrez…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the largest corporate media outlets in the United States announced they were "working very, very hard" on a plan to continue trying to make U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont look unelectable in 2016 even when he started to win states and delegates in the Democratic Party presidential primaries. The corporate propaganda syndicate conceded its efforts to ignore and portray Bernie Sanders as unelectable had, thus far, failed to convince many Americans of the inevitability of Hillary Clinton - the pro-war, pro-fear, and status quo candidate considered t

The growing middle class in China’s capital city has discovered a new form of imported Canadian air, one that comes at just a fraction of the price of fresh air but is said to be just as enjoyable: bottled Canadian farts.

New York City, NY – (satireworld.com)

Former First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State verified her frigid condition to the world with her latest lawsuit. The potential Presidential candidate spilled a twenty-two degree McDonald’s milkshake in her lap and sued the fast food chain because of the burns that she suffered.

A Baton Rouge woman spotted purchasing several containers of newly reintroduced Blue Bell Ice Cream said she believes the risk posed by Syrian refugees is too great to allow them into the country.

Star Wars spoiler causes lock-down of Ft. Bragg, NC.

Following claims that he wants to aggressively copulate with his daughter, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would only slightly penetrate her if he weren’t her father.

Clackamas County, Oregon – (satireworld.com)

A man has died at an Oregon meat packaging plant after falling into an industrial meat grinder. Rescue efforts were attempted. According to company officials in a carefully worded statement issues to the press, ‘only the man’s shoes were left unharmed and were returned to the next of kin.’