President Trump took to Twitter today to unveil the first half of a top-10 list of who he considers the country's most boring presidents. The list began as follows:

Dingleberry Falls, CT - (satireworld.com)

Family members, who have all desired to remain anonymous, have admitted that they are considering having Rosie O’Donnell fixed. “Rosie has been peeing on the furniture and gnawing on table legs and snapping at people, ” admitted one relative. “She also feels the need to bend herself into weird positions and lick her crotch in front of company. We just need to try to calm her down and get her to stop humping everyone’s legs… and the vet suggested that maybe cutting off her balls might help decrease her aggression.”

New York City, NY (satireworld.com)

As Senate Republicans press for a swift vote to confirm Brett Kavanaugh, President Trump’s nominee to the Supreme Court, Senate Democrats are investigating a new allegation of misconduct against Kavanaugh. The claim dates to the 1983-84 academic school year, when Kavanaugh was a freshman at Yale University and visited Manhattan with several friends. The offices of at least four Democratic senators have received information about the allegation, and at least two have begun investigating it.

Now that Brett Kavanaugh has been confirmed to the US Supreme Court, justices were already looking forward to the devil may care attitude and the subsequent partying they are sure he will bring.

Stockholm, Sweden – (satireworld.com)

Olympic and world champion (Speed skating and pole vault) Ivana Phuque and her sister-in-law Nastia Phuque (a five time Olympic medalist and world champion in gymnastics herself) have announced their intention to compete as a doubles team on the tennis tour. Ivana, who previously said that she would compete on the LPGA tour, said that she changed her mind when the opportunity to work side by side with her sister-in-law and best friend. “I love her and cannot wait to get down and dirty with her on the tennis tour.”

Hollywood, CA – (satireworld.com)

Actress Alyssa Milano, who has not been really relevant since starring in Charmed and Who’s the Boss, tried to reinvent her fifteen minutes of fame last week by appearing nearly topless at the Brett Kavanaugh Supreme Court Confirmation Hearings. Milano, who stated that she was there to support the female accuser (who was also seeking her fifteen minutes of fame) later admitted to just wanting to be back in the spotlight again.

Atlanta, GA (satireworld.com)

The Centers for Disease Control (C.D.C.) has contributed two billion dollars to Georgia Tech University to study the effects of drinking from a toilet on dogs. The research, to be conducted with several breeds of dogs over five years and in multiple locations, will examine the physical health of the canines, as long as any mental or emotional effects that they might receive. The World Health Organization (W.H.O.) has announced that they are going to match the funding and assist in the research with their own team of doctors.

City of Salisbury seeks to exploit novichok attacks to rebuild local economy. Local entrepreneurs set up 'Novichok Tours' and fake nerve agent attack experiences for tourists. New 'Novichok' perfume planned.

What is Drill Rap? Is it a new power tool based youth craze, or a sinister military parade inspired dance movement? UK media commentators ridiculed for ignorance of musical genre they are blaming for current wave of London youth violence.

I’m back on Medium! I’m running two journals currently… Enjoy! Give ’em a follow, and please do share anything that catches your eye! Libertarian Third Camp: Preliminary Notes By analogy with the Socialist Third Camp, the Libertarian Third Camp will…Read more New Medium Journal: Tyler’s Army! ›

There are at least two sides to a story. The client will think their version is the only true story. Don’t waste time convincing them of the truth.

Oslo, NO—The Nobel Committee’s announcement of two joint winners in physics this year triggered a huge explosion in Oslo today. The  ‘winners’, a man from the U.S. and a woman from Canada, are still missing at this hour and presumed quantumly entangled. The explosion frightened many across a huge swath of the region. Along with some seismic aftershocks the event caused Maxwell’s Demon to shave Schrodinger’s…

by Paul Lander.Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with ... Read moreRipping the Headlines Today, 10/2/18Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format. Pick up a copy at Barnes & Noble and other stores all over the U.S.

San Francisco, CA - (satireworld.com)

California Senator Diane Feinstein (D-CA) had a recent physical and reports of the odd medical findings were leaked to FOX News. Doctors discovered she is carrying historical artifacts that she never knew she had….Prehistoric cave drawings between her breasts!

Denver, CO - (satireworld.com)

A gay pride march turned violent in Colorado yesterday when two men were beaten to death for not standing when the rainbow flag was carried past them. Travis Johnson (black heterosexual) and Jack Swanson (white heterosexual) were sitting outside their business (Johnson and Swanson Barber Shop) eating their lunch in Denver when a gay pride parade past.

82 Year-Old Abigail Pederson of Augusta Township, Ohio took another significant step into the 21st century this week when she learned how to share her vaguely racist observations on Twitter, her family reports.

On the heels of successfully renaming the “North American Free Trade Agreement” as the “United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement,” President Trump followed up today by announcing a new title for the country’s popular national anthem.

Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom,

I understand about you and your wife and people growing apart. I do want to know if you still communicate with her and what she thinks about your living “biblicaly” with a bunch of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

Los Angeles, CA – (satireworld.com)

The kindergarten classes at Che Guevara Elementary School (formerly Ronald Reagan Elementary School) in Los Angeles, California was arrested, along with their teacher, as each child had a plastic straw in their juice box at lunch time. The juice boxes, brought from home and purchased by their parents, were from Minute Maid, Hi-C, Juicy Juice, Capri Sun, and several other companies.