In a scandal that could derail his presidential ambitions just days before primaries begin, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) stands accused of using campaign funds to purchase socks he discovered in an Alabama department store bargain bin.

“I’m going to send Cruz’s head to the Prime Minister of Canada, and I’m drop-kicking Rubio’s toward Cuba.” —Donald Trump

The debate on whether Donald Trump should be banned from entering the UK has ended with MPs casting a spell which will see the property tycoon roam the earth among the festering ranks of the undead until Judgement Day.

'We knew that ultimately we couldn't vote to ban Trump from the UK, which made the debate feel a bit pointless' said Labour MP Jack Dromey.

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for.

DUBLIN, Ireland (The Adobo Chronicles) - Conservative commentator Bill O'Reilly promised that if Democratic Bernie Sanders is elected president of the United States, he will move to Ireland.  O'Reilly traces his roots to Ireland. Upon learning of O'Reilly's plan, the president of Ireland, Michael. D. Higgins, said that the American pundit is not welcome in Ireland.…

"Ha ha that lid is broken or wasn't put on properly. I can't even open my dog proof dog food container." Fred Flunkee,Has Weak Fingers

Brighton, MA – (satireworld.com)

‘Happy’ Ed Gleeson (aka The World’s Happiest Man) wasted no time in telling friends and family about his new-found riches after befriending Abul Gzentabula, a Nigerian banker who contacted Happy Ed by chance through his personal email last week.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Democratic presidential campaign of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton followed up last night's debate by asserting its candidate would make sure Americans continued to be unable to "have nice things." Secretary Clinton addressed the press this morning and explained her wealthy donors would never allow her to give all Americans healthcare as a human right, effectively regulate the financial sector, solve mass incarceration causes like for-profit prisons and mandatory minimum sentences for drug offenses, and a whole host of other things...

Shocking new statistics discovered by this newspaper show that 9 out of 10 people consider walking out of screenings of The Revenant simply to warm up, it has been claimed.

Lead poisoning in the water didn't do it. Running out of fresh water to distribute didn't do it. But the Governor is optimistic that the new outbreak of Legionnaires' disease "will make it happen."

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Nearly a billion common houseflies buzzed the nation's capital today to protest a bill that would require flies to show two forms of photo identification when purchasing fly-swatters.  The bill, authored by Sen. Patrick Miyagi (D-HI), has passed the Senate and has been sent to President Obama. Proponents of the proposed new law argue…

SIRI has become an important part of The Daily Discord and Team Search Truth Quest. She even helped lead an EVP session during a cemetery ghost investigation, here. The stats are in and we have the Top 10 questions asked by Discord contributors in 2015. SIRI does have an active restraining order against Discord member, Tony Ballz, so…

A 34 Year old man from Newcastle Upon Tyne has come out as being Translemon. Mr David O’Connor , a computer programmer, who is married with three children made the shock announcement to his friends and family last week. ‘It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done’ said Mr O’Connor. ‘All my life I’ve felt like a lemon trapped in a man’s body with a craving to be squeezed – tightly, very tightly, as tightly as possible.’

Brighton, MA – (satireworld.com)

Brighton’s famous ‘Happy’ Ed Gleeson is now happier than ever for not only winning the state’s massive $181 million dollar lottery, but for getting himself divorced from a cheating wife, and then by the purest stroke of luck, winning the hand of a beautiful new fiancee…All in one week!

LOS ANGELES, California (The Adobo Chronicles) - Move over Justin Bieber. Glad you enjoyed your temporary number one spot on the Billboard chart.  Adele's 'Hello' is back on top. And it's not even Adele singing.

Brighton, MA-(satireworld.com)

'Happy’ Ed Gleeson is without a doubt the ‘Happiest Man in the World!’ He’s earned this distinctive title by never frowning, never being angry, and always having an upbeat and positive attitude.

SEEKONK, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a Massachusetts man declared he was from the half of the working class that would kill the other half of the working class for a reasonable price. Thomas Basil, a Republican construction worker and married father of two, told TNA he "would be happy to take out" the other half of the working class that complained about wages, working conditions, and other labor-related matters rather than work with them to improve those conditions for everyone.

Poland-(satireworld.com)

Former Ukrainian concentration camp guard John Demjanjuk’s trial began today for murders committed while he served as a Waffen SS Nazi death camp guard in German occupied Russia. He was finally arrested for lying on a citizenship application and entering the US illegally immediately after the end of WWII. In early 2001 he was deported back to Europe to stand trial for war crimes after a lengthy immigration battle against sending him back to Germany.

Tehran—Secretary of State John Kerry suggested a team building activity designed to either build ties between Iranian and U.S. Diplomats or atomize them. The two teams split into mixed groups tasked with disarming a live nuclear warhead within the allotted time frame. Secretary Kerry told The Discord, “Most such meetings require an ice breaking exercise, but this situation…

Pope Francis is to stand down after the Vatican released figures which revealed a poorer than expected performance over the Christmas and New Year period. In a statement the Vatican thanked the Pope for his efforts since taking over as Pontiff in 2013 but said that the time had come to explore other options for the future of the church.

The move comes after the Vatican announced that like-for-like attendance at Mass and confession over the festive season fell by 7% while collection-plate income was down by 5% compared to the same period last year. 'The Catholic Church is operating in a very