MANSFIELD, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a second grade student named Benjamin Boom earned a sticker for correctly interpreting the Second Amendment by acknowledging the "militia" referenced in the amendment. The Mansfield, Massachusetts pupil cited conservative Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren E. Burger, who called the argument that private citizens have the right to bear arms "a fraud."

MAPLES GROVE, Iowa--Speaking to a large gathering of chickens in their coop, local farmer Benjamin Fisher promised to finally put an end to the steady stream of foxes that have entered the pen unfettered over the years, if he is able to successfully secure financing to purchase the farm where the chickens reside. "And I'm…

Dresden – Medical scientists in Germany acknowledged this week that a local woman has given birth to a 24 year old man.  No one outside of Germany has actually seen the man but it is believed that he is approximately 5’9″ tall, weighing about 145 pounds.

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a city clerk in the tax collection office of Providence, Rhode Island announced his religious beliefs would not allow him to process any tax payments from uncircumcised males. Seth Weiss, an Orthodox Jew, invited all male residents of Providence to bring him a doctor's note stating they were circumcised, or take advantage of his offer of a "complimentary circumcision" if they wanted to pay their taxes and avoid non-payment penalties.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Obama sent his annual message to Congressional Republicans asking them "not to shut down the government again." Obama's handwritten letter explained to Republicans they had control of both chambers of Congress, so they needed to "get their act together, stop being drama queens, and pass some bills that actually have a chance of being signed by me."

Scores of Syrian refugees continue to pour onto Dick Cheney's estate in McLean, Virginia, where an estimated 5,000 have already settled in guest houses and improvised camps on its sprawling lawns over the past several days.

Enraged by a painting of his face made with the artist's own menstrual blood, Trump reportedly painted a mockery of menstruation made with his own face.

Independence, KY – For the 12th year in a row, some crazy lady in Kentucky has agreed to have 30 animals in her 1400 square foot home at one time.  The animals are all technically ‘pets’ but some are more domesticated than others.

WISCONSIN (The Barbed Wire) - Wisconsin candidate Scott Walker became the second governor to bow out of the 2016 presidential race today. Walker said he was suspending his campaign and would reveal which candidate he will back for president at a later date. He blamed his spastic personality as the main reason he never connected with voters on a large scale.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles® ) -  Overwhelmed by the Pope's presence, and the enlightenment of The Holy Spirit, a tearful and repentant House Speaker John Boehner promised to lead the Republican Party to institute major reforms long resisted by the GOP. Pope Francis addressed a joint session of the U.S. Congress this morning, calling on…

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Realizing that he won't be able to force Mexico to pay for the great wall that he wants to build along the U.S. southern border, Republican  presidential candidate and frontrunner Donald Trump has revised his anti-immigration policy proposal. Trump now wants to sell California, New Mexico, Arizona…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - House Oversight Committee Chairman Jason Chaffetz (R-UT-03) denounced Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards' "uncooperative attitude" during the Planned Parenthood hearing earlier today. Chaffetz and his male Republican peers were very critical of Richards for denying that abortion led to an "angry, raging vagina" that killed the stork created by God to deliver the child to its parents.

The U.S. border patrol is on maximum alert tonight after warnings that Hurricane Joaquin may try to enter the United States by doubling back on its current track and sneaking across the border from Mexico.

Torrington, CT – Eleanor and Darren Minson were just blessed with a healthy 11 pound baby boy.  It is their first child.  They’ve been at home now for about 3 weeks with their new bundle of joy and Eleanor is still pretty sore.  

OREGON (The Barbed Wire) - Determined to circumvent Congress, President Obama has decided on his first executive order related to gun control. He's ordering a ban on shotgun weddings, typically defined as any wedding that takes place quickly, usually to avoid embarrassment because of a pregnancy.

Cupertino, CA –  Tim Cook grinned as he signed off on the 2016 plan for Apple Corporation.  He pulled out his $2000 dollar pen and scribbled his signature and agreement to the plan of making a shitload more money in the coming year.

Hildale, UT –  Six year old Amanda Cousins showed fear and shock after getting an open hand smacking of her butt, like a beaver slamming his tail on top of a river. 

MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles) - The bitter political rivalry between the Marcoses and the Aquinos abruptly came to an end today, when Philippine President Noynoy Aquino granted absolute pardon to the late Ferdinand E. Marcos and his family, including Imelda Romualdez Marcos and their children, Senator Bongbong Marcos, Governor Imee Marcos and Irene Marcos. All…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, staffers representing most of the Republican presidential candidates met to discuss the demands they will make of all future debates, but the meeting quickly focused on ponies. Staffers agreed every candidate should have a debate animal to sit on, and a majority of the presidential campaigns voted for debate ponies.

NEW YORK, New York (The Adobo Chronicles) - It was the highlight of last night's 'Saturday Night Live' hosted by Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. While he was delivering his opening monologue, Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders was standing by backstage waiting for his cue. Then it was time. As Trump was wrapping up his monologue, the…