Texas Smells Like Balls

As the heat dome sitting over the American Southwest continues to broil the region, rising humidity levels throughout Texas has introduced another issue for its suffering residents: the Lone Star State smells like balls.

"It's a musty, Limburger cheese sort of smell," one visitor to Dallas recently described the town's odor. "Or like, if Lance Armstrong unpeeled his cycling shorts and sat on your face."

Drawing other comparisons to boxing gyms and fish canneries, the capacity of all the state's air conditioning and baby powder to contain the scent of its nearly 15 million pairs of balls appears to have collapsed under the weight of the month-long heat wave.

"Personally, I don't care anymore. It's too hot," one Texas man said. "So my boxers smell like the inside of a pair of hockey gloves. Whatever. I'm not giving myself nut cancer spraying them down with deodorant every two hours."

Still, the added olfactory burden on top of the perception of male entitlement is being considered beyond the pale for some.

"I can’t take it. It's 105 degrees and 99% humidity, and all over town men are in shorts, legs akimbo, ventilating their stinky balls," Deborah Tanner of Houston remarked. "It smells like someone parked a dumpster full of rotting sea lions outside my house, and meanwhile I couldn't get an abortion if my brother raped me. F*** this stupid state."