GOP Suspends Assault on Abortion, Re-trains Guns on Democracy

Suspending their years-long push to pass a federal abortion ban, House Republicans will focus instead on weakening the ability of popular opinion to shape public policy, members of its leadership are now signaling.

"Naturally, the inclination is to continue the fight for everything we want to accomplish – a nationwide abortion ban, overturning gay marriage, the incarceration of those who have opposed us – but, unfortunately, there's still a little something called democracy in this country, and that's a big problem," Durham Sanders (R-GA) remarked.

Citing analysis showing that continued pursuit of their unpopular agenda items would likely result in an erosion of power from losses in the 2024 elections, the party will work instead on building the foundation for a post-democratic America.

"It's a little bit boring, but things like gerrymandering, restricting voter access and pushing for independent state legislatures are the things that will allow us to tip the balance of power far enough in our favor that we can start passing the laws we really want – laws that promote our Christian faith, deregulate financial markets and crush dissent," Sanders said.

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy has indicated that Republicans will in the meantime be satisfied with the incremental gains they're currently making toward their goals.

"Laws banning trans people from playing sports, for instance," he said. "Or South Carolina's new law banning abortions after the sixth minute of pregnancy."